Painful Memory
by nebula2
Summary: Movie-verse complete This story explores what happened to Mrs. Tracy and how Jeff and his sons are dealing with that event eleven years later.
1. John

**A/N: I am not a fan of the puppet version of the thunderbirds even though my dad is. I went to see the Thunderbirds movie with my Dad though (against my will) and ended up falling in love with the movie universe. As a result I'm taking a stab at this story. Any feedback is welcomed.**

Disclaimer: The thunderbirds don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them.

_He could feel the heat from the flames around him. Hear her calls for help. Hear the wood popping from the fire. His chest felt tight from the heat and the smoke but he couldn't leave. He had to get to her._

_He threw another board off to the side, getting closer to his goal. He was almost there. He could see her through the haze. He could see the boards that she was trapped under_

_"Somebody help me," she called out panic in her voice._

_"Hang on. I'm coming," he called out to her._

_He redoubled his efforts. He had to get to her. He just had to. He heard the groaning above him but he didn't look up. He just kept forging on._

_The next thing he knew the floor above him was falling down around him. He lost his footing and feel to the ground, putting his hands over his head. The rain of debris seemed to last forever._

_Finally, the commotion ceased. All he heard around him were the sounds of the fire. He didn't even hear her cries for help anymore. _

_He quickly pushed himself off of the ground, debris clattering to the ground around him. Staggering to his feet he tried to get his bearings. He looked in the direction that she had been._

_All he saw was a pile of rubble. Then he saw the lone, lifeless hand sticking out from underneath the rubble. _

_He staggered the rest of the distance and fell to his knees again. He reached out and to the hand. It was as lifeless as it looked._

_"No," he yelled to no one in particular. He was too late. He had failed her. Failed everyone._

In a cold sweat, John Tracy sat up in his bed aboard Thunderbird 5. His eyes darted around taking in the familiar surroundings, willing his heart to stop beating so fast. This was the second night that the same nightmare had woken him up.

After a few moments, John threw his blanket back and got out of bed. He walked over to a nearby portal and hit a switch to open the shutter. The shutter opened revealing the twinkling stars of deep space. The stars had a calming effect on the second eldest Tracy brother. He spent a lot of time up in space, and felt at home among the stars.

He tried to put the nightmare out of his head. The trouble was it was more than just a simple nightmare. He had lived this particular nightmare. Ten years ago, those were the events that had completely change his life. Changed his family's life.

Despite what his father had told him at the time, John knew it was his fault. He hadn't been fast enough. John hadn't been able to save his mother from their burning house. He had failed her. Failed his father and his brothers.

That was the main reason he had taken the position in Thunderbird 5. Up here he could be a part of International Rescue without putting anyone in danger.

After awhile, John turned away from the view port and headed to the control room of Thunderbird 5. He knew going back to sleep at this point would be pointless. The images were still there in the back of his mind, haunting him.

John sat down in the chair in front of the main console and glanced over the information. To most observers, everything would have appeared to be a jumble of information but John's experience eye quickly took everything in and his quick mind deciphered it. There were no impending dangers. The two storms in the Atlantic were still away from any inhabited land although Hurricane Bill was now a category four.

As he started to look away his eyes fell on the date. September 14th. One more day until it would be eleven years since the events that had woken them had happened. No wonder he was having the dreams again. He always did around this time of year.

Tomorrow would be a solemn day for the Tracy family. John knew his father and brothers would probably find there way to her grave but each by themselves. As a rule, the Tracy's didn't talk about her or her death very often. John had tried to bring it up a couple of times in the year following the fire but his father had put an end to the conversation quickly. John figured it was painful for his father too.

But John wanted to talk about. Talk about what happened. Talk about his memories of her. Talk about his fears and his guilt of not being able to save her.

Alan asked questions about their mother from time to time. It was normal for the fifteen year old boy to do so. He had only been four when their mother had died and didn't have any memories of his own. Alan often found his questions put off by his dad and his brothers on the subject.

John had always been willing to answer his youngest brother's questions although he tried to avoid details about the day the accident happened. He wasn't sure he should put Alan through that. Alan didn't remember the fire at all and maybe that was for the best.

However, even Alan hadn't asked questions around him in the past few years. Not since Scott had walked in on their conversation one time and put a stop to it. Scott had taken Alan aside and talked to him. John assumed Scott had told Alan not to ask questions about the painful events that everyone in his family wanted to avoid. Seemingly wanted to protect him from.

John looked out at the stars again. They were blurry this time from the tears in his eyes. He let the tears roll down his cheeks without wiping them away. What was the point? He was alone up here and the release of tears helped ease the pain he felt within.


	2. The Other Tracy Brothers

Down on Earth, at his North American boarding school, fifteen year old Alan Tracy reached over to turn his alarm clock off. Why did classes have to start at seven a.m. That was just way too early!

Alan laid back down in bed and pulled the blanket over his head. Maybe he could just stay here today and no one know the difference.

"Alan, come on! It's time to get up," Fermat, Alan's roommate and best friend, yelled.

Alan didn't need to open his eyes to know that his friend was already showered and dressed. Fermat loved school and was good at it. Alan didn't see the point in it. He would must rather be with his father and brothers on their adventures.

"Alan!" Fermat called again.

"Okay, okay," Alan said giving in and throwing the blanket back. Fermat wouldn't give up until he got up anyway.

"What's wrong with you today Alan. Even you are more energetic than this when it's the last day before a three day weekend."

"Guess, I'm just not looking forward to going home this weekend," Alan said as he grabbed some clothes and headed for the bathroom.

Fermat stared at the bathroom door trying to figure his friend out. Alan hated school. Hated feeling out of the loop with his family and the activities of International Rescue. He always loved going home. What was with the attitude this morning?

As for Fermat, as much as he enjoyed school, he was looking forward to going home. He loved to spend time with his father and whatever he was working on at the time. He learned a lot with his father, perhaps more than he did at school, but he knew how important school was to his father.

Fermat walked over to his desk and started stuffing books into his backpack. He had a feeling this was going to be a long day.

As he was zipping up his backpack Alan came out of the bathroom, his hair still wet from the shower. Alan grabbed his own backpack and in one motion swept everything off of his desk and into the backpack.

"Let's go," Alan told Fermat. "I wouldn't want you to be late for breakfast. It would ruin you're perfect record."

And with that Alan strode out the door. Fermat hurried after him but on his way out his eyes fell on the calender. September 14th. Everything suddenly became clear

"This is going to be one long weekend," Fermat muttered to himself as he started after his best friend.

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Scott Tracy left the breakfast table early. As he walked up the steps to his room he could still hear the sounds of his father and two brothers talking and laughing. Normally, he would be down there with them but he didn't feel like it. Plus, he had somewhere he wanted to go.

He walked into his room and strode over to his desk, to get his jacket which he had tossed over his desk chair. He knew the weather was cooler back on the mainland. As he picked up his jacket he heard something clatter to the floor. He knelt down to pick it up.

Scott picked the rectangular object up and flipped it over. It was a picture of his mother that he kept. It had been taken on the day Jon had been born. Scott had only been two years old then but his parents had taken him to the hospital anyway.

His Dad had taken the picture. Scott was sitting on the bed next to his mother who was helping hold his baby brother in his arms. He couldn't remember the day but he cherished that picture. He had held each of his brother's in his arms the day they were born. Each time had been special and although he couldn't remember it, he knew that day was special too.

He had always looked out for his younger brothers. Sure he had teased them, played tricks on him, and fought with them all but if anyone outside the family had tried anything he was always there for each one of them. In some ways, he knew how his father must have felt with the five of them involved in International Rescue. He knew his father held himself responsible if anything ever went wrong and one of them got hurt and Scott felt the same way. They had been lucky so far. Even when Thunderbird 5 had been hit by the Hood, Jon had only suffered minor injuries. They were in a dangerous business but they all looked out for each other.

Scott had failed Jon once and he feared every day that he would fail Virgil, Gordon, or Alan. The day of the fire was the worst day of his life.

_He had been outside playing catch with Virgil and Gordon when the fire broke out. Telling his two siblings to stay where they were he had rushed into the house looking for his mother and two other brothers. He had found them in Alan's room._

_His mother had just picked Alan up out of the bed, where he was taking a nap and she had thrust him into Scott's arms._

_"Get your brother to safety," she had told him._

_He had turned and hurried back downstairs assuming his mother and brother would be right behind him. It was only after he had gotten outside that he realized that they weren't. Scott had tried to go back in after them but the firemen were on the scene by that time. The only thing he could do was stand there and watch the flames engulf the house with his brother and mother still inside._

_At some point, his father had arrived home from work and joined them. It had seemed like forever before a fireman had finally came out of the house carrying his brother who was barely breathing. As the paramedics had left the scene in a hurry with his brother the rest of the Tracy family went back to waiting for information about Megan Tracy. Scott watched the doorway hoping that another fireman would emerge with his mother._

_It was then that he saw his dad talking to the fire chief. As he watched, his father fell to his knees and started crying. His father was the strongest man Scott knew. He knew then that his mother was dead. He just knew._

Scott placed the picture back on his desk. Although he missed his mother, he was thankful that the fire hadn't taken his brother too. Even though Jon hadn't been the same after that.

Jon had always been quieter than the rest of them but after the fire, after their mother's death, Jon had become even quieter and more withdrawn. Scott had never mentioned the incident to his brother because he didn't want to hurt his brother further and he tried to make sure the other three did so as well. Their father seemed to want forget about it and put it behind them. Scott figured his father knew best.

Taking one last look at the picture now on the desk, Scott turned and left his room. He headed down to the dock. He was heading to the mainland like he did every September 14th. He wasn't sure why but he always went to his mother's grave the day before she had died. Maybe it was his way of making sure he didn't run into any of the others.

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Virgil sat with his feet dangling in the pool. He heard quiet footsteps behind him. There was no point in looking up as he knew who it was.

Sure enough, a few moments later, Gordon sat down next to him and dangled his own feet in the pool.

"Scott's back," Gordon said quietly. Their oldest brother thought no one knew where he had been disappearing for the last six years but he and Virgil did. They had followed him a couple of years ago out of curiosity. Once they had realized where they were they knew even more that they had to keep Scott from finding out they knew.

Neither brother understood it but their mother, especially her death, was taboo in their family. Their father had never wanted to talk about it and Scott just seemed to follow suit. John had seemed to want to talk about it but Scott had warned them not to bring it up. He had told them it would be to painful to bring up those memories. They respected their older brothers and so had done what Scott had told them to. And none of them knew for sure exactly what Jon had experienced in those few moments that he was alone in the house with their mother. Maybe keeping quiet was for the best.

But they also wanted to talk about what happened. Keeping it inside was just something that the two of them didn't want to do. As a result, they had confided in each other. At first they would hole up in one of their rooms late at night and chat. Eventually they had started finding other places for their private conversations. And every September 15th they would go together to see their mother's grave.

"We going at the normal time tomorrow?" Virgil asked not really acknowledging his brother's statement. Their was no need to. He had heard the boat come back into dock.

"Yeah," Gordon replied. "Do you think they'll ever talk about it."

"I don't know."

"It's not fair to Alan you know. He really doesn't have any memories of mother."

"I agree, but I can't believe that Dad doesn't know what he's doing. Maybe it is better not to bring it up all the time. Maybe not talking about it helps the healing process. Helps you forget because Lord know that things haven't got much easier for me. I still miss her every day."

"So do I ," Gordon said putting an arm around his older brothers shoulders. "So do I."

They fell silent as they heard footsteps. Both figured it was Scott coming up from the docks. They turned toward the steps leading up from the docks and sure enough Scott soon appeared.

"What the two of you aren't swimming," Scott said in disbelief as he saw his two brothers sitting on the side of the pool.

"The water is too cold," Virgil replied although he knew it was a lame excuse. The sun was shining and it was a fairly warm day.

"Somehow, I find that hard to believe," Scott replied looking quizzically at his two brothers. He knew the two of them were up to something but neither appeared to be willing to volunteer any more information.

With a shrug, Scott kept walking past them and headed up toward the house. As he opened the front door he heard the telltale splashes of his brothers jumping into the pool.

'Yeah, the water is too cold' Scott thought to himself with a shake of his head as he headed inside. Those two baffled him sometimes.


	3. Cry For Help

Jeff Tracy looked at his son, patiently waiting for him to end his latest attempt at changing his mind. Alan hadn't even been home for an hour and already he was arguing with him.

"You're not going anywhere this weekend Alan, not even to stay with Penelope," Jeff told him when his son finally stopped talking.

"But . . ."

"No, and that's my final word. Do you understand me," Jeff said firmly cutting Alan's protest off. He wasn't going to listen to it again.

"Yes sir," Alan said dejectedly as a beep from the computer on his father's desk indicated an incoming call. As his father answered the call Alan started for the door.

"Hey John, anything wrong?" Jeff Tracy asked as his son's face appeared on the vid com.

"No, not really," John Tracy answered.

Something in his voice made Alan stop and turn around. Something was up. He could hear it in his brother's voice. Quietly, Alan walked around his father's office to a point where he could see his brother's face over his father's shoulder.

"It's not like you to call for no reason son," Jeff said quietly fishing for a reason for his son's call.

John was quiet for a moment. As if he was rethinking a decision. Finally he spoke.

"Dad, I was thinking, seeing as things are pretty quiet, I was wondering if I could put things on auto up her and come home for a day or so?"

"You know I would rather not do that John. I could send one of your brother's up there to relieve you."

"No Dad, don't do that. It was just an idea."

"John, is something wrong?"

"No, why would it be," John said attempting a smile. Alan could tell it was fake. He could also tell that something wasn't quite right. Alan couldn't pinpoint it but something was up with his brother.

"I'll talk to you later Dad," John said bringing a close to the conversation as Alan slipped out of his father's office.

"Okay," Jeff said a little perplexed. The screen went dark as John closed the link.

Jeff Tracy continued to stare at the screen. He wasn't sure what to make of the conversation. John had always been distant but he was usually levelheaded and reasonable. That request hadn't been like him at all.

He couldn't help but wonder if he shouldn't have granted his request. It was possible that his son just wanted to visit his mother's grave tomorrow. That would explain his quick response at Jeff's suggestion to send up one of the others. John would never ask one of his brother's to be away from earth at this time of year even to be here himself. Still, Jeff hated leaving Thunderbird 5 on auto. If something should go wrong . . .

With a shake of his head, Jeff turned back to the report that Brains had given him on the status of the thunderbirds. He had already made a decision. He had promised himself years ago to never second guess a decision he had made. Second guessing could be disastrous in his line of work.

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Alan Tracy left his father's office and leaned against the hallway wall. He had to decide what to do. Something was up with John. He just knew it. He also knew it would be next to impossible for him to convince his father of that but who should he go to.

Gordon or Virgil would be more likely to believe him but neither would really feel right about confronting their father. Of course maybe he could use one of them to help him convince Scott as he knew Scott would have the best chance of getting Jeff to listen to him. No, going straight to Scott would probably be his best bet.

Alan tore off down the hallway in search of his oldest brother. He wasn't sure he had much time to lose.

Alan finally found his brother in the Thunderbird 1 silo. Alan wasn't sure why he hadn't looked there first.

"Scott," Alan called out as he saw his brother walking away from Thunderbird 1.

"Alan, what's up?" Scott said immediately concerned by the look on his brother's face.

Alan quickly told Scott about John's call.

"Something isn't right," Alan told him finally.

"How do you know? John told Dad there wasn't anything wrong," Scott said staying calm. Alan had a tendency to overreact especially when he thought things were dull.

"When has John ever come out and asked for help when something was bothering him," Alan countered. Scott had to admit he had a point.

"Are you sure? Are you positive you're not overreacting? Reading things that aren't really there?"

"I could here something in his voice Scott," Alan told his brother hoping desperately for Scott to believe him. Even if he was overreacting Alan would prefer they checked it out and he was proved wrong than for them to ignore it and find out he had been right.

Scott looked at his younger brother. There was something in his insistent that told him Alan really believed what he was saying. That he wasn't just looking for an adventure.

"Okay, I'll go talk to Dad and try getting him to let me go up and check things out for myself," Scott finally told Alan. He could see the look of relief on his brother's face.

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"It could be just a waste of time," Jeff Tracy told his oldest son after Scott had informed him of Alan's suspicions. Of course the fact that Alan had the same concerns that had briefly crossed his mind a short time ago had him a bit concerned.

"And if it isn't," Scott countered. He couldn't ignore the fact that Alan talked, really talked, to John the most out of all of them. If any of them were to pick up on John trying to hide something from them, it would be Alan. "Can we really take that chance?"

Jeff looked from Scott to Alan standing beside him. Scott had a point. John was alone up there. Maybe that wasn't the best thing at this point and time.

"Okay, go ahead. Go on up to Thunderbird 5 and check things out," Jeff told Scott giving in. "And why don't you take Alan with you," Jeff said thinking about Alan's earlier desire to want to get away from Tracy Island. He knew Alan wouldn't mind be included.

"Thanks Dad," Scott said relieved.

With that he and Alan left there father's office and headed for Thunderbird 3's launch silo. Scott took the pilot's seat and started pre-flight checks. Although he knew how to fly it, he wasn't as comfortable at Thunderbird 3's controls as he was with Thunderbird 1.

Soon the two brothers were on there way up the secret space station. As they neared the station Scott told Alan to contact John to tell him they were coming.

"Thunderbird 3 to Thunderbird 5," Alan said and then waited for his brother's response. When one didn't come he tried again. "Thunderbird 5 do you copy?" Alan asked trying to keep the panic out of his voice.

Alan glanced over at Scott. This was not like Jon. Jon always answered communications no matter what time it was.

"John do you copy?" Scott said trying to raise his brother himself. He was growing more concerned by the second. "Keep trying periodically Alan," Scott told his brother. "We'll be there shortly."

Alan just nodded as he went back to raising Thunderbird 5. He couldn't help but wish they were already on board. Why wasn't John answering?

It wasn't long before Scott was docking Thunderbird 3 at Thunderbird 5. As he quickly started shutting down Thunderbird 3, Alan was already clambering out of his seat and heading for the door.

By the time the docking cycle had completed and the door was opening Scott was right behind his brother. The two Tracy boys rushed onto Thunderbird 5. The fact that John had not answered their hails had both of them worried.

"John," Alan called out as he rushed toward the control deck of Thunderbird 5. There was no sign of their brother.

"John where are you?" Scott called out as he followed his brother from the control deck toward the sleeping quarters. "John answer me." Scott couldn't keep the panic totally out of his voice.

As the door to the sleeping quarters opened at Alan's approach, Alan stopped so abruptly that Scott almost ran into him. He was ready to scold his youngest brother for stopping so quickly when he took in the scene that had made Alan stop short.

John sat on the edge of his bed. The left sleeve of his IR uniform was rolled up. In his right hand he held a switchblade knife, holding it right above his left wrist. Scott knew what his brother was contemplating and the fact that he was hesitating gave Scott hope that it wasn't too late.

"John," Scott said softly, pushing Alan gently to the side so he could squeeze past him. He walked slowly toward his other brother not wanting to startle him. This situation could go from bad to worse real quick. "Don't do it," he told him softly.

His brother didn't answer him. In fact, he didn't move at all. Scott knelt down in front of his brother and gently but firmly took a hold of his brother's right wrist easing it away from his other wrist.

"John, whatever it is we can talk about it. It can be worked out," Scott told him softly searching for some kind of reaction from his brother.

"What am I doing," John finally said quickly dropping the knife as if it suddenly got hot. He put his head down in his hands starting to cry.

Scott quickly knocked the knife out of the way to avoid accidently getting cut by it and then moved to pull his brother into a hug. John didn't resist him as his sobs wracked his body. Scott couldn't imagine the kind of pain his brother must've been in to even consider taking his own life.

"It's okay," he whispered trying to comfort his brother. "Whatever is wrong, I'm here for you. We'll get through this." He wasn't sure what else he could say. Wasn't sure what else he could do.

"I'm sorry," John managed to say through his tears. Scott just figured he was talking about what he had just tried to do. He wasn't sure what else his brother could be talking about. "I failed her. I failed you and the others. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Scott told him again holding him tighter. He wasn't sure what John was talking about. He couldn't think of anytime his brother had ever let him down but he knew now was not the time to argue that point.

Out of the corner of his eye, Scott saw Alan kneel down beside him. Without a word Scott reached out and put an arm around Alan pulling him close to. Right now, what was going only wasn't all that important. The important thing right now was for them to be together. To lean on each. To draw comfort from each other. All this could be sorted out later.


	4. Jeff Tracy

Scott wasn't sure how much time had past he just knew he wasn't letting go until his brother made some move to pull away. John never did. Eventually though his sobs stopped shaking his body and Scott could feel John's head getting heavier on his shoulder. He knew his brother had cried himself to sleep.

Scott took his one arm from around Alan who then took a couple of steps back. Scott gently eased John back onto the bed trying not to wake him up.

As Scott stood up and looked down at his brother he could see the pain on John's face even as he slept. How had he let it get this far out of control? There must have been earlier signs. Signs that they had all missed.

"Alan stay here with him," Scott told his youngest brother softly. "I'm going to go talk to Dad."

Scott made his way to the command deck and sat down in front of the main console. Looking over at the chronometer he saw that it was only nine o'clock at night. As tired as he was, he had thought it was later.

"Scott, is everything okay?" Jeff Tracy asked as soon as he opened the link with Thunderbird 5.

"No Dad it isn't," Scott told him. "We have a major problem," he informed him and then tried to explain to his father what was going on.

Jeff listened to what his eldest son was telling him, not wanting to believe it, but knowing it was true.

"I'm going to let him sleep for a few hours and then I'm bringing him home," Scott was telling him now. "If you want me too, I'll turn around and come right back up here but . . ."

"No, Scott that won't be necessary," Jeff said making the decision that he probably should have hours ago. "Put Thunderbird 5 on auto and the three of you come home. This is something that we all need to deal with together."

"F.A.B. Dad," Scott told him and then signed off.

Jeff watched the screen go blank again. How could he have missed it? He always feared about letting his sons down out in the field. Of Scott, Virgil, Gordon, and now Alan getting hurt on a rescue mission or something happening to John onboard Thunderbird 5, like when the Hood attacked the station. He was so focused on making sure nothing like that happened that he failed to see this.

_"Dad I tired to help her." It had been one of the first things he had said after coming out of the coma he had been in for the week following the fire. A week during which Jeff had worried that he would lose his son as well as his wife._

_"Son its okay," Jeff whispered smoothing back his son's blonde hair. "It's over just try to forget about it," he told him not wanting the incident to haunt his son. They all just needed to put it behind them to move on._

'But it did end up haunting him' Jeff Tracy thought to himself. Despite the fact, that as soon as John was strong enough he had moved his five sons away from Florida and out to Tracy Island. He had thrown himself into starting up International Rescue trying desperately to put the whole incident out of his own mind. Trying to find someway to keep others from having to deal with the same grief that he was feeling himself.

_He was working on Thunderbird 1. For some reason the anti-detection shield wasn't working and neither he nor Brains could figure out why. He heard Brains trying to explain things to Scott and John as he started work on Thunderbird 2. The two older boys had showed an interest in the work and Jeff had seen no reason to keep them out of it. It was a way he could spend some time with them. At least he had assumed both Scott and John were over with Brains._

_Jeff had come out from underneath the console to find John sitting quietly in the doorway just watching him. Before Jeff could say anything John spoke up._

_"Dad, do you ever think about her?" John asked his blue eyes gazing at his father. This wasn't the first time John had started asking about his mother since they had come to Tracy Island but like all the other times Jeff tried to put his son off._

_"Its not good to dwell on the past son," Jeff told him. "We need to keep going. Go on with out lives. That's what she would have wanted."_

_John had simply nodded and walked back over to where Brains and Scott were. It was the last time he had even tried to bring up his mother or the fire with his father and for that Jeff had been grateful. Just seeing his sons brought back painful memories for him. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. Jeff had always dealt with things alone. He didn't care for talking things out._

Jeff's eyes fell on the last picture that had been taking of them all together. It was taken in the backyard of their old home in Florida. Jeff stood with his one arm around Meg and Alan on his shoulders. John stood on the other side of Meg with an arm draped over her shoulders while the other three boys stood in front of them.

He and Meg had been like day and night in that extent. While he had wanted to deal with things on his own she had always wanted to talk things out. Even if it was just as a sounding board, she wanted someone to listen to whatever was troubling her and she was always willing to listen herself. He had lost count of the days he had come home from work to find her sitting at the counter listening to one of the kids tell her about some kind of trouble at school. It didn't matter to her how trivial it was. To her it was important.

Now that he thought about it, more often than not it would be John sitting there talking to her. School for John had always been a trial. It wasn't the schoolwork that gave him problems but the social aspects of school. When he was nine the school had even given up trying to get him to deliver oral reports after he had ran out of the classroom crying during one.

And while he had always been the quietest of the five boys, when he was younger John had never had any problem talking to any one in the family. John had just never clamored for attention like the others had. It wasn't until after Meg's death that he had started withdrawing from his family.

'When I started pushing him away' Jeff Tracy realized as he thought about his son's attempts to talk to him about what had happened that day.

Of his five kids, John and Alan had always reminded him most of his wife as the other three tended to take after him more. Alan had his wife's sense of adventure and genuine love for life. Nothing kept him down for long, as he would always try to find something to cheer himself up or cheer up those around him.

John on the other hand, had always shared with his mother his genuine concern for others. He cared about people in general and was always the first one to try and help. He had been the peacekeeper of the group when the kids were growing up, always trying to smooth things over between his brothers. As a result his feelings were easily hurt but his brothers had seemed to pick that up at as young age, especially Scott and Virgil. Those two had always gone out of there way to try and protect their brother whether it be at school or at home.

Evidently his need to talk things through was something else he shared with his mother and something that Jeff Tracy had failed to see. He had been to wrapped up in his own grief to see how it was affecting his son. He couldn't help but wonder just how well the others were really handling everything.

Jeff Tracy became aware of a beeping sound. He lifted his head up off the desk where he must have fallen asleep. The muscles in his neck hurt from the awkward position he had fallen asleep in.

He became aware that the beeping sound he had heard was the communications console. He had an incoming call.

"Thunderbird 3 to Control, Dad are you there?" came Scott's slightly panicked voice. Jeff wondered how long he had been trying to get through.

"Yeah, Scott I'm here," Jeff said and could here his son's sigh of relief. "Sorry, I drifted off to sleep."

Jeff glanced over at the clock on his wall. It was now just a little after midnight.

"We're on our way down Dad. We should be there in about fifteen minutes," Scott told him.

"Okay, I'll be there to meet you. Control out," Jeff said.

"Thunderbird 3 out," Scott replied.

Jeff took another look at the picture sitting on his desk. He wondered if it was possible for him and his sons to be that happy again. With a sigh he stood up and headed out of his office and toward the Thunderbird 3 silo.

Halfway there he came across Gordon, who had always been the night owl of the family.

"Is everything okay, Dad?" Gordon asked him looking at his father. He had never seen his father look as tired as he did right then.

"No son, its not," he answered truthfully. With the exception of Alan at times, he didn't make it a habit to hide things from his sons and he wasn't going to start with this. He saw the concerned, questioning look that was on Gordon's face as he patiently waited for his father's explanation. "Where's Virgil?"

"He went to bed a few hours ago."

"Well, go get him and go down to the den," Jeff told him. As much as he hated waking Virgil up he wanted to tell the two of them together. "I'll meet you down there shortly."

"Okay Dad," Gordon said and with that started walking in the direction he had been heading, now in search of Virgil instead of heading to be himself.

Jeff continued on his way toward Thunderbird 3. The rocket was just docking as he reached the silo. Jeff waited, unconsciously tapping his foot on the floor.

It seemed like forever until the door opened and his sons started disembarking. Alan was first, he had a haunted look in his eyes. Jeff knew that what he had seen couldn't be easy for the young boy to deal with. Behind Alan, John and Scott slowly disembarked Thunderbird 3.

Although John was walking on his own, Scott hovered nearby in case he was needed. John looked even more worn out than Jeff felt. There was a haunted look in his eyes too and the pain and grief was no evident on his face. The mask John had worn for years was now gone, and what he saw scared Jeff.

Jeff gave Alan a hug first. He held his youngest son close and Alan hugged him back.

"Why don't you get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning," Jeff told him letting go.

Alan nodded. He was too tired to argue.

As Alan left, Jeff turned to his other two sons. He wanted to rush over and pull John into a hug but he wasn't sure if he should. He wasn't sure that would be what John wanted after all these years of pushing him away. Jeff held his arms out to his son letting him decide what he wanted to do.

John didn't hesitate as he took the last few steps towards his father. As he wrapped his arms around his father he felt his father put his arms around him. He had been so scared that his father would be angry with him for what he attempted to. For attempting to take a coward's way out. The second his father had held his arms out to him he knew that wasn't the case.

"I'm sorry Dad," John said trying not to cry again. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"There's no need to apologize," Jeff told him. "I'm just so thankful that you're here. That I can hold you in my arms." Jeff was trying hard not cry himself. As much as he wanted to he knew he had to be strong for his son.

He felt John start to pull away, and as much as he didn't want to let ago he knew he had to.

"Do you want to talk?" Jeff asked him holding him at arm's length.

"Not right now," John told him. "Right now, I just want to get some sleep."

"Okay," Jeff told him letting go. John started in the direction that Alan had gone.

"I'll keep an eye on him," Scott whispered to his father as he walked by him. Jeff briefly clasped his eldest son's shoulder as he walked by.

Jeff had never understood Scott and John's desire to want to share a room but they had insisted on it ever since they came here despite the fact that each of them could have there own rooms. Now, Jeff was thankful that they did.

As he watched them disspaear around the corner, Jeff let out a sigh. He had two other sons waiting for him. Two sons that he had to attempt to explain things too. He wasn't sure what he was going to say to them but he started for the den. It had to be done.


	5. Early Hours of the Morning

Jeff Tracy heard soft voices talking as he approached the den. He knew his sons were trying to figure out what was going on. As he walked into the room though they quickly stopped talking and turned to look at them.

They were both sitting on one of the couches. Virgil still looked half asleep and his hair was disheveled. Jeff knew he was wondering what was so important that Gordon had woken him up for it.

Jeff walked over and took a seat in one of the chairs next to the couch. He searched for the words to tell them what had taken place.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Gordon asked when his father didn't immediately start volunteering information.

"Is it John? Did something happen to Thunderbird 5?" Virgil asked immediately fearing the worse.

"No, nothing happened to Thunderbird 5," Jeff told him. "But this does concern John," Jeff started.

"Is he hurt?" This time it was Gordon asking the question. He knew whatever it was it was serious for his Dad to have this much trouble telling them.

"Physically Jon is fine," Jeff informed them. "However emotionally . . ." Jeff let his voice trail off. There was no easy way to break this to them. "Emotionally your brother is in a lot of pain. He tried to take his life earlier tonight."

"No, John wouldn't do that," Virgil said before his father could say anything else. He quickly stood up. He wasn't going to sit there and listen to this.

It just couldn't be true. Not John! John, who was always the first one ready to help anyone out. The one who had showed him how to mend a bird's broken wing. Who had spent weeks nursing some stray kittens he had once found. Virgil had found him crying over one that didn't make it. How could he even think about taking his own life.

Virgil found his exit blocked by his father.

"Virgil, I know this isn't easy to understand but it's true. Have I ever lied to you before?"

Virgil looked at his father. He still didn't want to believe it but his father had a point. His Dad would never lie to him. He knew that.

Relenting, Virgil turned around and dropped back down on the couch next to Gordon. He put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He felt his brother's hand come to rest on his shoulder.

"Dad, I don't understand," Gordon said as Jeff sat back down in the chair. "What would make John even think about . . ." Gordon let his voice trail off. He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I'm not sure Gordon. He hasn't really talked to anyone about it yet but I do know this, for John to even contemplate it, he had to be in a lot of pain. A lot of pain for a long time because your brother would never want to do anything to hurt any of us," Jeff told them, pausing to let his words sink in. "Given the time of the year, I would say this has to do with your mother's death. I'm not sure John has been able to completely get over that loss."

Jeff found himself searching Gordon's face. Searching for an answer. Had his other sons dealt with the loss of their mother okay. Virgil still wasn't looking up.

Gordon felt himself nodding. He could understand that. He knew how much he missed his mother. How painful this time of the year could be but he had always had Virgil. They had faced it together. He knew he couldn't have dealt with it on his own so how could he blame his brother for not being able too.

"Scott, always told us not to bring it up around John because it would be to hard," Virgil said finally looking up. Jeff heard the unspoken question - why would Scott do that when it was now apparent that was the wrong thing to do. "Gordon and I have talked about it. Why didn't he ever bring up?"

Jeff could see the hurt in his son's eyes. Jeff knew that Virgil had always looked up to John. Virgil had always tried to spend as much time as possible with John. It was only after John started withdrawing form everyone that Virgil had started spending more and more time with Gordon. Still, whenever John was around Virgil had always tried to be around him as much as possible. There was seldom a game played on Tracy Island when Virgil and John were not on the same team. Virgil had always made sure of that.

"I don't know," Jeff told him. It seemed as if he was saying that a lot. "I know that John tried to talk to me about it a few times and I always tried to avoid the conversation. I was too wraped up in my own grief to see that John wasn't like me. He needed to talk about it to work through it. For me, talking about it was the last thing I wanted to do. I can deal with things on my own. Scott's like me in that aspect. He was following my lead. He thought we were doing the right thing. I thought I was doing the right thing."

Virgil stood up. He was angry. Angry at his father, at Scott and at John. Angry with himself for being mad at them. He needed some time alone.

"Virgil?" he heard his father say questionly as he headed for the front door.

"I need some time alone," he said without looking back. He knew if he stayed in the room he was going to say something he would regret. Tell his father what he was thinking right now which was that this was his fault.

Jeff Tracy watched his middle son storm out of the house. He had known that everyone was going to react differently to the situation but he hadn't expected Virgil to be the one to storm out.

"Dad, what can we do to help?" Gordon asked him bring his attention back to his remaining son.

"Well, I think for starters we all need to start talking to each other about your mother and about her death. Hopefully, if we all show that we are open to the subject John will start talking to us - whether all of us together or each of us individually."

"What about professional help?"

Jeff shook his head.

"That has to be John's decision. If it isn't then it won't do any good because he won't open up and it may just push him further away from us," Jeff told him.

Gordon nodded. Unlike Virgil, who seemed to be angry, Gordon wasn't sure what he felt. He really didn't feel anything, just numb inside. He had no idea how he should act around or what he should say to John when he saw him.

Jeff and Gordon talked for awhile longer before Gordon finally headed upstairs to his room. Even after Gordon had left, Jeff continued to sit down in the den. He was waiting for Virgil to come back in. When he finally did, Virgil walked right past him without even acknowledging his father's presence.

With a sigh, Jeff stood up and headed to bed himself. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

Scott wasn't sure what had woke him up. As he laid there in bed he couldn't hear anything out of the ordinary. He turned his head to look over at his brother's bed just to find it empty.

Scott immediately sat up on the side of his bed and looked around the room. The sun was just beginning to rise out of the ocean. As he looked toward the window that faced east he saw his brother sitting there on the window seat staring outside. John was sitting sideways, his back against the wall, arms folded across his chest.

"Bad dream again?" Scott asked softly as he sat down on the edge of the window seat. His brother still looked tired to him but Scott remembered the panic state that John had woken up in up on Thunderbird 5.

John nodded. Like the times before, even though he was awake the images of the dream were still there in the back of his mind.

"Want to talk about it?" Scott asked him.

John looked over at his brother in surprise. Scott had always been the one trying to keep the others from saying anything around him. Avoiding the topic, just like Dad. John was trying to figure out if Scott really wanted to hear about it or if he was just trying to be polite. All he saw in his brother's face was genuine interest and concern.

But John wasn't ready to talk about. After so many years of keeping it inside he was having trouble trying to put into words what he was feeling inside.

John shook his head and looked away from his brother and back out at the sunrise.

"Well, whenever you're ready, I'm here," Scott told him softly.

Scott wanted his brother to talk to him. He kept seeing the sight he and Alan had walked in on, the light glinting off the blade of the knife John was holding. If they had not gone up would he have gone through with it? Scott didn't know the answer to that question. He just felt as if his brother was slipping away from them. The last time he had felt like that was after the fire, during the week that John had been in a coma.

The two brothers sat in silence for awhile. Finally, Scott couldn't take the quiet anymore.

"I thought you and Mom were right behind me," Scott found himself saying even though he was not one to normally talk things out. He thought maybe if he opened up some it might be easier for John to open up. "It was only after I was already outside that I realized you weren't and then they wouldn't let me go back inside. I wanted to but all I could do was stand there and wait."

John moved so that he was sitting next to Scott, both facing away from the window.

"And then there was all the waiting at the hospital before we knew if you were going to make it or not. I felt responsible. Like I had let you and Mom down. The only thing that made me feel better about the situation was that I did what Mom had asked me to. She wanted me to get Alan out and I did that, but that was only after we knew you were going to be okay. If you hadn't made it . . ." Scott let his voice trail off. That was something that he didn't want to dwell on.

"I went back for her," John said quietly. "I wasn't far behind you. We were in the hallway heading for the front door when I heard her cry out for help. Some boards from the floor had fallen on her. I tried to reach her but other boards blocked my path. I had move them to get through and then more debris started falling. By the time I got to her it was too late.

Scott heard John's words from the night before:

"I failed her. I failed you and the others."

Scott knew now exactly what they meant. Understood the guilt that his brother had been carrying around for eleven years.

"John, you tried. You risked your life to try and help her. Don't ever think you failed her or us because you couldn't save her," Scott told him.

"You can't always save everyone," came Jeff Tracy's voice from the doorway echoing the words you had drilled into his sons from the first day they became involved in International Rescue. Scott had always clung to those words whenever a mission went wrong.

Both brothers looked up, surprised to see their father there. They hadn't even realized he had come into the room.

"How long have you been there?" Scott asked him.

"Long enough," Jeff answered as he crossed the room to him. Scott scooted over to give Jeff room on the window seat between John and himself. "Neither of you have anything to feel guilty about or feel ashamed of from that day. I never said this, and maybe I should have, but I've always been proud of the two of you for how you handled yourself that day. Your three younger brothers are alive because of the two of you."

"And you," Jeff said turning to John, "now that I know what happened during the fire, I couldn't be prouder. It takes a lot of bravery for a firefighter to go into a burning building after someone with safety equipment. You did that with no safety equipment with the building falling around you. That takes a very special person to do something like that. In my eyes, you're a hero John Tracy. Don't you ever forget that."

Jeff let his words sink in. He didn't expect them to miraculously change his son's views on what happened that day, he knew that would take time, but it was out there. John knew how he felt and eventually John would come to believe it himself.

"Now I orginally came up here to see if you two were joining us for breakfast," Jeff said breaking the silence that had fallen on the room.

"Yeah, we'll be down in a little bit," Scott told him answering for the both of them.

"Okay," Jeff said and stood up and headed for the door and back downstairs to the kitchen.


	6. September 15th

As Brains headed toward the main kitchen he glanced down at his watch. This was the normal time that he went to breakfast every morning. Maybe his watch was off. Something was off because he didn't hear the normal clatter of voices and sounds coming from the kitchen. Even on this day there was always noise coming from the kitchen.

He and Fermat shared a self-sufficient apartment in the Tracy Complex as did Kryano and his family. However, Jeff Tracy had always insisted that they all have breakfast together. He felt that it gave them all a chance to touch base so to say no matter what the course of the day may bring.

As soon as he walked into the kitchen, he knew he was at least on time. Onaha was at the stove preparing breakfast, Tin-Tin at her side helping her. Alan and Fermat were already at the table chatting, although quieter than normal. Other than those two things though nothing seemed quite right. Brains wasn't sure what but he knew something was up.

For starters, two of his brothers were in the kitchen and neither were teasing Alan. Gordon sat at the table quietly. That in itself was strange. Gordon was always talking or telling a joke. Jeff had always made the joke that Gordon talked sometimes just to hear himself talk. He had driven teachers crazy when he was in school.

The other Tracy boy in the kitchen was Virgil but he wasn't sitting at the table. He was standing against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. His face looked like a storm cloud. Brains didn't miss the angry glances the boy cast at his father.

As for Jeff Tracy, he sat at the table the morning paper untouched in front of him. Brains didn't miss how tired his friend looked as he took a seat at the table next to him.

"Good morning, Mr. Tracy."

"Good morning, Brains," Jeff replied trying to smile. The smile was forced though.

Over Jeff's shoulder, Brains saw John walk into the kitchen. John looked as tired as Jeff did. Brains wondered when John had returned to Tracy island and why. He assumed that Scott had taken John's place on Thunderbird 5 as he was the only Tracy Brains had yet to see.

When Scott walked into the kitchen not far behind John though, Brians new that something big was going on in the Tracy family. With all of them on the island, Thunderbird 5 must have been on auto. Jeff rarely did that. Brains knew it wasn't his place to start asking questions though. The Tracy's would tell him what was going on if or when they were ready too.

Gordon got up from the table and walked toward John. He threw his arms around his older brother giving him a hug as Scott stepped around the two and sat down at the table next to his father. Virgil stormed out of the kitchen, walking by John with out even acknowledging him.

That little action caused Brains to really wonder. John was usually welcomed home with open arms by everyone on Tracy Island whenever he came back and he normally didn't appear quietly in the middle of the night. Brains couldn't imagine what had happened to make Virgil not even want to acknowledge his brother's presence. He also didn't miss the look that passed between John and Jeff although he had no clue what it meant.

Breakfast that morning, on Tracy Island was the quietest one that had ever taken place. Virgil never did come back and no one mentioned his exit. Brains shared a look with Kryano as Onaha finished serving and sat down herself. They both knew something was up with the Tracy's and Brains knew they would be talking after breakfast trying to figure things out.

* * *

As he steered the boat back toward Tracy Island, Gordon looked ahead at his brother Virgil who stood silently in the bow of the boat. After breakfast, Gordon had gone looking for Virgil. He had found him down on the beach just sitting and staring.

Gordon had tried to talk to Virgil, but his usual easy going brother snapped at him. No matter how he was feeling, Virgil had always been intense. He had no problem showing what it was he was feeling. Right now, Gordon knew he was angry but wasn't sure who he was angry with. Or maybe it wasn't anyone in particular but the entire situation.

Whatever it was Virgil adamantly refused to talk about it. There whole trip to the mainland that morning had been quiet. They hadn't said more than three words to each other. Gordon couldn't wait to get back to Tracy Island. He hadn't to get away from Virgil. Virgil was starting to drive him crazy with his silence.

As he docked the boat at Tracy Island he didn't have to worry much about getting away from Virgil. Virgil quickly tied off the boat and then stormed off toward the house. As Gordon finished securing the boat, he shook his head. His family was all going crazy. He wasn't sure which brother to be more concerned about.

He knew Scott felt responsible for everything that happened. He always did. If any of them ever got hurt on a mission, no matter how minor Scott felt it was his fault. Gordon liked to drive his oldest brother crazy by calling him an old mother hen.

John, well that one was obvious. Gordon couldn't even imagine ever wanting to take his own life. He had no clue as to what his brother was going through. He had yet to talk to John. He didn't know what to say to him but when he had seen him this morning Gordon felt he had to do something. Had to let his brother know that he was there for him and so he had hugged him. Gordon hadn't even been able to tell his brother that he had loved him. He just hoped John knew that.

And poor Alan. He was too young when there mother died. Gordon cherished the memories he had of his mother - her voice, smell of her perfume, the sound of her laugh, the talks over milk and cookies. Alan didn't even have that and their father had kept almost everything that could be a reminder of their mother packed away when they moved out to Tracy Island. Each of them had one picture of her in their rooms or the one his father kept in his office, but that was it. Gordon knew where that stuff was kept and had snuck up there countless times.

Gordon had never felt comfortable talking about their mother or what happened to her with his younger brother. Dad avoided that conversation and Gordon felt his father knew best. Plus, as far as Gordon knew, Alan didn't remember the fire at all. Gordon felt that was a good thing. He had wished countless times that he could forget that day but he couldn't.

But now, Gordon knew that Alan was twice as lost as the rest of them. Without those memories he couldn't possibly understand what John was feeling. How could he? And Alan had seen Jon holding the knife to his wrist, his father had told him that much. Just hearing about it from his father had unnerved Gordon. He was thankful that he hadn't seen that for himself. That it hadn't been him to find Jon. Gordon didn't know how he would've handled that.

Then there was Virgil. Gordon had never seen his brother so angry. Of all his brothers Gordon felt the closest to Virgil, even though he knew that Virgil didn't feel the same way. Gordon knew how close John and Virgil had been when they were younger. He knew how hurt Virgil had been when John had started pulling away from him, from all of them.

That had started gradually. First it was just that John was putting distance between their father and them but nothing had changed between the brothers. Then John had started even pulling away from them. Not wanting to join them playing games or just hanging out. Still, John had still stayed close to Virgil for awhile but then he had started to pull away from even Virgil. That was when Virgil had started coming to him. Talking to him about things. About John. None of them had been surprised when John had volunteered to be the main person to man Thunderbird 5 but it didn't mean that they missed him any less.

Gordon stepped off the boat, onto the dock and looked up toward the house. He could see Virgil just approaching the base of the steps leading up toward the pool area. With a sigh, Gordon broke off into a jog to try and catch him. He had to try and reach Virgil.

"Virgil, wait up," he called as he neared the steps. Virgil was half way up the steps and Gordon was relieved when he actually stopped. Gordon took the steps two at a time, all the time hoping his brother didn't change his mind on him.

"Virgil, come on talk to me. What are you so angry about?" Gordon asked him as he reached his brother.

"What do you think I'm angry about," Virgil shot back at him. Gordon shrugged his shoulder. He thought he knew his brother but even he didn't recognize the angry person standing in front of him.

"Virgil, talk to me. Let it out before you end up doing something your going to regret."

"It's too late for that," Virgil said sitting down on the steps.

Gordon sat down on the steps beside him without saying anything. He knew Virgil was about ready to talk.

"You think I like the way I'm feeling right now. My brother just tried to kill himself and the only thing I can think of is how mad at him I am at him for doing that to me. For being so selfish. And I mad at Dad and Scott for letting it happen. All I can think is that its there fault. They should have known better and I don't like myself for feeling that way."

Gordon reached out and put his hand on Virgil's shoulder. Virgil instantly stood up.

"Don't," Virgil told him! "I'm a rotten person. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy," Virgil told him his voice rising.

"Virgil," Gordon started to say.

"Just leave me alone," Virgil yelled at him and then ran up the steps. Gordon ran after him.

"Virgil," Gordon yelled again as he reached the top of the stairs.

Virgil was heading up the steps into the house. Gordon stopped running. It was pointless anyways. He slowly walked across the patio wondering if he might have just made things worse. Gordon was so preoccupied in his own thoughts that he didn't notice John sitting in a lounge chair near the pool with a book in hand.

* * *

"Can you help me yet?" Alan asked his older brother and father as he stuck his head into his father's office.

With no one up on Thunderbird 5, Jeff and Scott were trying to keep track of Hurricane Bill in the Atlantic from information being relayed from the space station. The other storms had fizzled out and even Hurricane Bill had been downgraded to a category 3.

Scott looked down at his father. They both knew exactly what Alan was talking about. It had been Jeff's idea. After talking with his youngest son earlier that day Alan had once again expressed an interest in his mother. Jeff was begining to see how his inability to face and deal with his wife's kids was really affecting his kids. He had promised Alan that he would go up to the attic with Alan this evening and bring out all the stuff he had never packed away that was either Meg's or reminded him of her. Plus, he thought it was time that he put some more pictures up around the house.

Jeff looked down again at the satellite pictures and projected course of the Hurricane. On its current course Hurricane Bill should stay out to see not causing much problems for the North America coast line. Jeff set the computer up to alert him if the Hurricane should change course and looked up at his son.

"Yeah, we can help you," Jeff told him standing up.

Jeff and his two sons headed out of the office and toward the attic. Jeff wasn't exactly sure where he had put everything ten years ago so it took some time to locate the boxes he wanted but when he did the three of them carried downstairs to the family room.

Virgil was at the piano, playing a Beethoven song. He completely ignored his father and brother's entrance. Even when Jeff asked him to join them he didn't even acknowledge him.

"Dad, what about John?" Scott asked his father as he sat his box down on the coffee table. He had left his brother up in their room. "Should we ask him to join us."

"Join what?" John asked coming into the room.

Scott looked at his father worriedly. He was worried that going through old pictures and mementos might be too much, too soon for his brother.

"We were going to go through some things I packed away years ago. Some of your mother's stuff. Alan keeps asking about her so I thought it was about time to share some memories with him," Jeff Tracy told his son watching him carefully.

"If you don't want to we'll understand," Scott said speaking at the same time as Alan.

"It doesn't have to be tonight. It can wait."

"No its fine," John said knowing exactly what his family members were getting at. "Where's Gordon?"

"I haven't seen him in awhile," Scott admitted.

"Tin-tin and I saw her down on the beach last but that was about an hour ago," Alan said.

"Should I go look for him?" Scott asked his father.

"No," Jeff said. "When he shows up we'll invite him to join us then."


	7. Outburst

Gordon heard laughter above piano music as he walked into the house. He headed for the family room where the sounds were coming from. The music was Virgil, playing the piano, the storm cloud still on his face. The laughter was coming from the rest of the family, well except for John. While the rest were laughing Jon was sitting on the couch with a smile on his face.

'At least he's smiling,' Gordon thought to himself.

"Hey Gordo, come join us," Scott said seeing his brother standing in the doorway.

"What are you guys doing?" Gordon asked walking toward the group.

"Looking at some old photographs and sharing memories," Scott told him as Alan held a picture up to Gordon.

Gordon took a look at the photograph and then looked toward John and then his father. The look he gave his father clearly asked 'is this a good idea'. Jeff nodded trying to tell Gordon it was okay. John seemed to be handling it well and was the happiest he had seen his boy in a while. John rarely smiled anymore and he had a smile on his face most of the night.

John didn't miss the silent exchange between his father and Gordon. He had been catching little exchanges like that between his family all day long. He had tried to ignore it but he couldn't do it any more.

"Will everyone just stop it," John said from his place on the couch. His voice was louder than normal and got everyone's attention. Even Virgil missed a note on the piano but kept going. Everyone else looked toward the normally quiet blonde. "Stop looking to each other for approval on how to act around me. I'm not blind. Granted I did a stupid thing but you don't have to walk on egg shells around me."

"John relax," Scott said. "You're overreacting."

"Oh am I," John said his voice rising a little more as he stood up. "Are you saying you didn't look at Dad earlier when I walked into the room to see if this whole trip down memory lane was a good idea."

Scott looked down at the coffee table and the pictures on it. John was right. He couldn't deny it.

"John, your brothers and I are just worried about you." Jeff said quietly. He stood up and started toward his son. John immediately backed away.

"Leave me alone," John yelled.

Jeff stopped where he was without going any closer to his son. Jeff had only seen his second eldest lose his temper once and that was with him. When Scott had tried to console his brother John had lashed out and broke Scott's nose. John had been very apologetic afterwards but Jeff knew anyone going near him could be trouble.

"John we just want to help you," Jeff told him calmly.

"I know you do, but all I want is for you to treat me normally. Stop treating me like one little wrong word is going to send me off the deep end. Just being with you all is helping. I know I haven't been too open about what I'm feeling inside but its hard after years of keeping it to myself but keep offering, keep talking about it, about the past," John told them holding up a picture he had in his hand. "Just knowing I won't be put off when I'm ready to talk about it is enough for now."

"Look, I know what I did was stupid. Call it a momentarily lack of judgement. I know I scared everyone. I see that every time I look at Alan. Every time I look at Gordon who has no idea how to act around me. Who hasn't said two words to me because I know he's afraid of saying the wrong thing."

Gordon looked down at the floor. He didn't think he was so transparent.

Scott opened his mouth to say something but John didn't give him the chance.

"And the two of you," he continued looking at Scott and Jeff, "quit blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault. It was my choice. Stop trying to shield me from everything. I'm stronger than you give me credit for but if you protect me from the smaller things when something comes up that you can't protect me from then I won't have any idea how to handle it. Don't be afraid to let me fall because as long as I know the two of you will be there to help me back up then I know I'm going to be fine."

Scott and Jeff looked at each other. Both understood exactly what John was talking about.

All this while Virgil had continued to play the piano. He was trying to ignore what was going on but he wasn't being that successful. He heard every word his brother was yelling. As a result the piano playing wasn't as smooth as usual. Still he kept forging on.

"At least Virgil isn't afraid to show how he is feeling and even though he hates me right now I at least know where I stand with him," John told them his voice lowering a little bit.

Virgil finally stopped playing. John's words had finally gotten to him. 'Even though he hates me right now," were the words that stuck with him. Did he really hate John? No, he hated what he tried to do. He was mad at John for shutting him out. Mad at Dad and Scott for causing him to shut him out. Mad at himself for letting John shut him out. But hate, no he didn't hate his brother. He couldn't ever hate his brother. He wanted to tell John that but he couldn't find the words.

"Virgil has every right to feel the way he does," John continued. "I don't like what I've done to this family but unless we all deal with our reactions openly its just going to tear this family apart." John could feel the tears threatening to spill and fought to hold them back. "I don't want to be responsible for that," he said. His words were just above a whisper as the tears started to choke him up.

John headed for the door that Gordon had just walked in. He didn't want to break down in front of his family again. He felt Gordon try to get a hold of his arm as he walked by but kept on walking.

As the front door closed behind John, Virgil got up from the piano. He headed in the same direction as John had just headed.

Scott moved to get up but Jeff put a hand on his eldest son's arm.

"Let them have some time," Jeff told him. As Scott nodded Jeff let go his arm.

* * *

"John," Virgil yelled as he headed down the steps after his brother. "John, please wait," Virgil cried again. He finally saw his brother stop by the diving pool and turn in his direction.

As Virgil came onto the patio level of the diving pool he didn't stop. He did something he had wanted to do ever since his father had told him about what happened. He threw his arms around his brother and hugged him fiercely.

At first, Virgil's reaction took John by surprise but then he returned his brother's hug. He felt tears streaming down his face. As much as he hadn't wanted to cry in front of one of his brother's again Virgil's hug had put him over the edge.

When Virgil finally pulled away John saw that he had tears streaming down his face too.

"John I don't hate you," Virgil told him. "I could never hate you. I'm just mad. Mad at everyone, myself included."

"I heard what you told Gordon earlier today," John admitted to him. Virgil looked at him surprised. "I was sitting on the lounge chair by the steps. I couldn't help but hear."

Virgil nodded. At least now he knew where John was coming from.

"Virgil it's okay to be angry about what happened," John told him. "You're right it was selfish. It was a way out for me. An easy way out," John told him walking toward the ledge of the patio level above them. John got up and sat on the edge looking toward the pool. A silence fell between the two of them. Both were trying to figure out what to say next.

"Why did you shut me out John?" Virgil said finally as he walked over to set next to John.

"Because you were the one person that I couldn't not talk to Virgil," John told him.

Virgil just looked at his brother. He wasn't making any sense.

"Virgil, you and I have always been close. We've always told each other everything. Of everyone in this family, with the exception of, Mom, you understood me the best. After Mom passed away Dad seemed to want to try and put it behind us. Scott followed his lead. Scott was going around telling all of you not to talk about what happened around me. It seemed like the only one who wanted to talk about what happened was me and I didn't want to cause anybody any more pain. That's when I started pulling away from everyone and still I didn't want to lose the relationship that we had but every time I was with you I wanted to tell you what I was feeling inside. Every time I was around you I wanted to tell you just like I told you everything else."

"The only way I could not tell you was to not be around you," John finished. "I'm sorry Virgil. I'm sorry for shutting you out. For letting you down. For not being the brother that I should have been. For . . ."

"John stop it," Virgil told him cutting him off. He reached out and placed his hand on top of his brother's. "You could never let me down. But John," Virgil waited until his brother looked over at him. "Don't ever shut me out again. I want to be there for you no matter what."

"You got it," John told him.

* * *

Jeff stood just outside the front door, looking down at his two sons. Given the circumstances he had gone outside to look for them after a few minutes. The last thing he needed was for any of his kids to be fighting with each other.

As soon as he stepped outside though he knew he didn't have to worry. He immediately saw John and Virgil down by the pool talking. Jeff turned and walked back into the house.

Gordon, Scott, and Alan had gone back to looking through the pictures.

"What was Mom like?" Alan asked his two brothers. Alan had asked Jeff the question a lot and Jeff had always either ignored it or given him the shortest answer possible. He was starting to realize he hadn't been fair to his youngest son. Alan deserved to know his mother even if it was only through them.

Gordon looked to Scott when Alan asked his question. He wasn't sure how to answer Alan. He remembered his Mom but he wasn't quite sure he could find the words to describe what she was like.

Scott hesitated a little before answering but suddenly he realized something. In a way, Alan did know exactly what Mom was like.

"Actually Alan, you already know what Mom was like," Scott told his youngest brother. "She was very caring, always putting others before herself. She was a great listener. Mom, always tried to settle things between us as she couldn't stand to see anyone fighting."

"Just like John," Alan said as he began to understand what Scott meant by him already knowing what Mom was like.

"Exactly," Scott said. "Only thing was she was more outgoing than John ever was. You're a lot like her in that way Alan."

"Every time I see you or John I'm reminded of your mother," Jeff said from where he was standing. His three sons looked over at him. They hadn't realized he had come back inside. Jeff was about to say more when they heard a shout from outside.

"Somebody come help," came Virgil's voice. None of them missed the panic in his voice.


	8. Admission

Jeff, Scott, Gordon and Alan all rushed outside. As he came out the front door Jeff immediately looked in the direction that he had last seen his two sons. Neither was in sight. Jeff hurried down the steps to the pool level with his other three sons close behind him. As he skipped the last two steps the sight before him made his breath catch.

Virgil was kneeling down on the cement, the still form of his older brother cradled in his arms. Virgil looked up at the sound of his family's footsteps.

"Dad, I don't know what happened," Virgil told him before Jeff could even asked. "We were going to come inside and then when John stood up his face went pale and then he fainted."

Jeff Tracy knelt down beside them and reached out to take John's one wrist checking his pulse. He was relieved to find it strong and steady. He notice John's eyelids start to flutter.

"John," Jeff said silently praying that he would get some response from his second eldest son. "Can you hear me son?"

John heard his father's voice but it still sounded distant. He tried to open his eyes but his eyelids felt heavy. He didn't know if he had the strength to fight the darkness that seemed to surround him. Then he heard another voice.

"John, come on wake up."

He recognized Virgil's tear filled voice. Even in his semiconscious state John could hear the fear in his brother's voice. He had to fight. He had to do it for Virgil.

John forced his eyes open. He became aware of arms holding him tightly. He didn't need to see to know it was Virgil. He became aware of faces and he tried to focus on them.

Jeff heard the desperation in his middle son's voice as he urged his brother to wake up. Jeff knew how he felt. The desperation mirrored what he felt inside. And then he saw John's eyes open but he also noticed a vacant look to them.

"John?" Jeff said again hoping the familiar voice would help John focus. He could sense his three other sons hovering closely behind him.

"Dad?" John whispered his eyes finally starting to focus.

"How do you feel, son?"

"I don't know," John said not sure how to describe the disorientation he was still feeling. He wasn't quite sure what had happened. He had been talking with Virgil. They had decided to go back inside to join the others. When he had stood up he remembered feeling light headed all of the sudden and the next thing he was aware of was his father's voice calling to him. He must have fainted he reasoned.

John tried to sit up. His body still felt weak. He felt his father reach out and take his arm.

"Take it easy," Jeff told him as he moved to help his son stand up.

John felt light headed as he stood up and his knees felt weak. He knew the only thing that was keeping him standing was his father on one side of him and Virgil on the other side.

John closed his eyes as a wave of dizziness washed over him. He had a feeling that the past week of restless sleep was starting to catch up to him.

"Scott, Gordon, keep an eye on Alan. I'm taking your brother to a hospital to get checked out just to be on the safe side," Jeff said making a decision. The fainting spell could have been brought on by exhaustion and that was probably the case but he wasn't taking the chance.

"Dad, I'm fine," John protested trying to pull away from Virgil and stand on his own to prove his point. As he did so another wave of dizziness came over him. He felt Virgil put a supporting arm around him again.

"You're getting checked out," Jeff told him firmly but gently. "I'll keep in touch with you Scott," Jeff said to his eldest son.

"Yes sir," Scott said as Jeff moved to the opposite side of John and then the three of them headed down to the dock and the waiting boat.

Scott stood there and watched them walk away until he couldn't see them even more. Even after they were out of sight he didn't move. It wasn't until the sound of the boat faded into the distance that Scott was able to move himself from the spot he was in.

"Come on guys, lets go back inside," Scott said resting a hand on each of his brother's shoulder. Silently, Gordon and Alan followed their brother inside both worried about their older brother.

* * *

Jeff Tracy found himself watching the clock in the emergency room waiting room. It seemed as if they had been waiting forever even though it had only been forty minutes since they had checked in.

He took his eyes off the clock and glanced over at his two sons sitting on a nearby couch. John had fallen asleep with his head resting on Virgil's shoulder. Virgil still had one arm around John and sat as still as possible trying not to disturb his sleeping brother.

Virgil looked up and met his father's glance. Their eyes mirrored each other. Each saw the fear and worry that they were feeling in the other's eyes.

After a few minutes Jeff looked back to the clock and watched the second hand move slowly across the numbers.

* * *

Footsteps brought Scott out of his thoughts. He looked up to see Alan coming down the steps.

"I thought you were sleeping," Scott commented softly trying not to wake up Gordon who had drifted off to sleep on the couch across from Scott.

Alan had gone upstairs shortly after the three of them had come back inside. Gordon had gone up to check on him shortly after that and had said he was sleeping.

"I tried," Alan told him as he came to a stop at the bottom of the steps. He saw Scott hold an arm out to him and he gladly went over and sat down on the couch next to him. Scott put his arm protectively around his baby brother's shoulders pulling him close. As much as he was trying to comfort Alan, Scott had to admit that he found having Alan nearby a comfort to himself.

He soon realized that Alan was crying though.

"Alan, what's wrong?" Scott asked softly.

"I'm a terrible person," Alan said through his tears.

Scott tried to figure out what his brother meant. Sure Alan tended to get into trouble but he never set out to intentionally cause trouble. Even when he had caused the explosion at the school Alan hadn't set out to do it. The youngest Tracy just seemed to have a knack for finding trouble.

"Alan what are you talking about?"

It took Alan a little while to respond as he searched for the right words.

"I keep wishing that it was somebody else this was happening to. You or Gordon or Virgil or even myself," Alan said crying harder.

Scott hugged his brother tighter. He knew exactly how Alan felt because he had found himself wishing the same thing.

While he was protective of all his brothers, Scott knew that he was more protective of John than any of the others despite the fact that John was the closest to him in age. It had always been that way. The fact that all of this was happening to John was killing him. As much as he hated himself for it, he had wished it was one of his other brothers than John. Alan's admission made him wonder if the thought hadn't crossed all of their minds at some point over the last day.

"It's okay Squirt," Scott told him softly. "The same thought has crossed my mind more than once."

"Really," Alan said looking up at him.

"Really," Scott told him.

"Mine too," Gordon softly admitted from his place on the couch. He hadn't moved but his eyes were now opened. "John has always put us before himself. He puts everyone before himself. I just keep thinking that this isn't fair. This shouldn't be happening to him. He doesn't deserve it."

Before anyone could say anything else the phone on the end table next to Scott rang. Scott quickly answered it hoping that it wasn't more bad news.


	9. The News

Gordon and Alan listened intently to their brother's side of the conversation, trying to piece together what was going on. Scott wasn't saying much though so it wasn't really getting them anywhere.

This was the third time their father had called. The first time had been just to let them know that they were still waiting but Jeff had just wanted to check in with them. The second time had been when John had finally been taken back to be seen by a doctor. Gordon was hoping this time was to let them know how John was doing.

"Dad, don't worry about it, we'll be fine," Scott told Jeff Tracy. "I'll take care of things here until you come home." There was a short silenced as Scott listened to what his father was saying.

"Bye Dad," Scott finally said ending the conversation and hanging up the phone. As he looked up from the phone he found Gordon looking at him expectantly. He looked to his left and found Alan doing the same thing.

"John was admitted," Scott told them. "The doctors want to run some more tests just to rule out all possibilities. Virgil refused to leave the hospital and Dad wants to be nearby too so we're on our own for the night."

"Scott is there something wrong?" Alan asked sensing that his brother wasn't telling him everything.

Scott hesitated. His dad hadn't wanted him to tell his two brothers but he knew he couldn't keep it from them.

"Scott?" Gordon said growing concerned.

Before Scott could say anything though the IR alarm sounded throughout the house. All three of them got up quickly and headed for the control room.

As Scott, Virgil, and Alan came into the control room they found Brains already there sitting at the desk. Brains looked up as the three entered the room.

"Hurricane Bill has made la-la-landfall on the Georgia c-c-coast," Brains told them. "Satellite is picking up multiple distress calls around the re-re-reg- area."

"Brains, get a hold of Dad and make sure he's aware of what's going on," Scott told him taking charge of the situation. He then turned to his two brothers. "Let's go see what we can do to help."

"F.A.B.," they both replied and all three Tracy brothers headed for their respective portraits. Scott to Thunderbird 1 and Gordon and Alan to Thunderbird 2."

* * *

Jeff Tracy hung up the phone and headed back down the hallway. As he passed the small waiting room on the floor he looked inside. Virgil still slept on one of the couches. Jeff had offered to take him home but Virgil had refused saying he wanted to stay near John. Jeff knew exactly how he felt.

Seeing that Virgil was still asleep he kept walking down the hall to John's room. He opened the door and walked inside. The room was dimly lit by the small light on the wall and the moonlight coming through the window.

Jeff walked over to the bedside and sat down in the chair he had vacated only a short time ago. John slept peacefully, the sedatives that the doctor had given him still in affect. He had told Scott the real reason they had admitted John even though he hadn't told Virgil.

Dr. Callaway, who had seen John, was waiting on the results of a few more tests but he was reasonably sure they would all come back negative. He was convinced that John's fainting spell had been due to fatigue and emotional stress. It was Dr. Fredricks, the psychiatrist that Dr. Callaway had called in for a consult, who had wanted to admit John.

Dr. Fredricks had said he hadn't gotten much out of John which didn't surprise Jeff any. John had trouble opening up to his family and even more opening up to strangers. John had admitted to the doctors that he had been having trouble sleeping because of some bad dreams. He wouldn't say anything else though. Dr. Fredricks wanted another opportunity, after John got some sleep, to talk to him and had asked Jeff to try and convince John to stay at the hospital for a little while.

Jeff had done so. He knew if John would talk to Dr. Fredricks that it would probably be beneficial for him. He also knew the likelihood of that happening was very low.

Fredricks had asked him what he knew and Jeff had refused to tell him. He didn't feel it was his place. Like he had told Gordon, the decision to seek professional help had to come from John. If any of them tried to get involved then they risked alienating themselves from John and right now John needed them more than ever. That didn't mean that he wouldn't try and convince John to talk to Fredricks tomorrow and he had told the doctor as much but that was all he would promise.

The beeping of his wrist comm broke through his thoughts. Jeff headed for the room's bathroom to take the call in case a nurse should walk into the room.

"Jeff here. Go ahead," he said into the wrist comm as he closed the bathroom door.

He listened to Brains as he told him about what was going on. Jeff thought briefly about heading for Tracy island but then decided against it. He had trained his sons well. They knew what to do and Scott was a competent field commander. If he needed help, Jeff knew he wouldn't hesitate to ask until then Jeff decided to stay where he was.

"Keep me updated, Brains," Jeff told the scientist. "Tell Scott that if he needs me or Virgil to let me know and we'll be there."

"Yes, Mr. Tracy," Brains told him before closing the links.

Jeff Tracy turned off his own wrist comm and then headed out of the bathroom and resumed his bedside vigil.


	10. Aftermath

Three Weeks Later:

Jeff Tracy sat at his desk in his office going over reports for Tracy Industries. He was trying to catch up on business now that things in his family seemed to be returning back to normal. Reaching the end of the current report, Jeff stood up and stretched. It was about time for a short break.

He walked slowly over to the windows and looked down on Tracy Island. Down in the pool he could see the three figures splashing in the pool. Although he couldn't see them that well he knew it was Scott, John, and Virgil.

It was good to see John happy again. Sure he still had his melancholy spells but they were getting further and further apart. Jeff had been relieved when Dr. Fredricks had told him that he had gotten John to not only open up but to meet with him several times in the two weeks following his fainting episode.

Not wanting to stay in the hospital, John and Virgil had gotten a hotel room close to the hospital while Jeff had returned to Tracy Island. He didn't know if John had ever told Dr. Fredricks about the suicide attempt and he wasn't about to go prying. That was up to John to tell him if he wanted too.

Upon returning to Tracy Island, Jeff had helped Scott, Gordon, and Alan in the clean up efforts after Hurricane Bill had made landfall. Jeff had made the decision to keep Alan home from school for a few extra days because he didn't feel comfortable having his youngest son that far away from him after what had happened over the weekend. He had told the school that they were dealing with a family situation and that he wanted Alan at home and the school left it at that. Jeff had to admit that having Alan around to help with IR business was a plus.

The day after John had gone to the hospital, Brains had volunteered to go up and man Thunderbird 5 for awhile. Jeff was thankful for the offer. With Virgil and John both on the mainland he really couldn't have afforded sending Scott or Gordon up at the time with everything that was going on.

Toward the end of the week, Dr. Fredricks had called and asked Jeff and the rest of the Tracy's to come in for a group session. Although, he hadn't forced any of his sons to go they all had. It gave them all a chance to talk about there feelings surrounding Meg Tracy's desk. Jeff had found it helpful for himself, finally being able to say his feelings out loud instead of keeping them to himself. He also saw how his silence had affected his sons.

He had sent Alan back to school the following Monday. Alan of course didn't want to go but Jeff knew he had kept the boy out of school long enough. Scott had also taken Gordon up to replace Brains in Thunderbird 5 leaving only Jeff and Scott on the island. Virgil had spent the week running back and forth between where he and John were staying and Tracy Island.

Virgil and John had returned home last Friday. Jeff could see the difference in John right away. It was like a great weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Jeff could tell he was happier and he was more carefree most of the time but even when something did start bothering him he wasn't going off on his own. Instead, John was seeking out someone, usually Virgil, to talk to.

Jeff heard the beeping of an incoming message. Turning away from the window he walked over to his desk and sat down. He hit the button to accept the incoming call and Gordon's faced appeared on the screen.

"Hey son, what's up?" Jeff asked

"Nothing," Gordon said. "Guess I just wanted someone to talk to. So, how are things down there?"

Jeff suppressed a laugh. This was the third time today that Gordon had called just to talk. It was a normal thing with him whenever he was up in Thunderbird 5. Gordon never had dealt with being alone that well. Of all the Tracy boys, Gordon probably dealt with it the worse. He usually was fine for the first couple of days but then he started calling down more and more often. One of his brothers usually called him themselves at one point whenever he was up there.

"Nothing new in the past three hours," Jeff told him.

"Sorry, Dad," Gordon said. "It just seemed like a much longer time since I last talk to you."

"Do you want me to send one of your brothers up to replace you?" Jeff asked him with a shake of his head.

"No, Dad, that won't be necessary. I think I can take the quiet for a few more days before completely losing it." Gordon told them. "Any of those brothers of mine around?"

"No they're all outside," Jeff told him. "I have some time though if you want to talk," he continued knowing what Gordon was getting at.

* * *

"I need out of this place Scott," Gordon said to his oldest brother later that night. "I don't know how John can deal with this place as much as he did."

"Dad and I are coming up for you tomorrow, Gordo. I'm going to take you place up there."

"That's great because I think I'm starting to lose it up here," Gordon told him and then he noticed the figure standing behind Scott in the doorway.

Scott noticed that Gordon was looking at something beyond him and turned to look and see what it was. He turned just in time to see John disappearing around the corner.

"I don't think that was the best thing to say," Gordon commented feeling guilty.

"I'll talk to him," Scott told his brother. "Don't worry about it." Scott saw Gordon nod. "I'll see you tomorrow Gordo."

"Okay,"Gordon replied signing off.

The screen went blank and Scott got up and went in search of John. After looking outside and the lower floors of the house Scott headed up to the attic. The light hadn't been turned on and Scott thought that he was wasting his time but he walked up the steps anyway. As he reached the top of the stairs in the light of the full moon, he saw his brother standing by the window.

John was staring out the window and didn't even look at Scott when he came in. Scott walked slowly over to where his brother was standing.

"John," Scott said softly not knowing if his brother even realized he was in the room with him.

"I'm sorry," John said softly. "I'm letting you guys down again."

"John, what are you talking about?"

"I didn't tell Dad I'd take most of the time up in Thunderbird 5 alone simply to get away from everyone," John told him not taking his eyes off of the night sky. "I did it because I knew of all of us I could deal with the solitude the best but it isn't easy."

"We're all aware of that, John," Scott told him. "And we're all aware of how crucial that position is to what we do. Maybe it seems like we take what you do for granted but we don't. You took on the job that none of us really wanted to do and you took it on without complaining. I don't know how you've done it for as long as you have."

"Look John, we all know you're not ready to go back up. That it might be awhile before your ready and we all know you deserve some time away from the responsibility of Thunderbird 5. We just don't deal with it as well as you do. Gordon just wants to come home but I know that if the choice was only between you and him being up there he'd gladly stay. Any of us would."

"And what if I'm never ready to go back up there?" John asked him. Scott didn't miss the waver in his brother's voice. Although they had talked about their mother's death, how much they missed her and everything that lead to John's attempted suicide no one had brought up the incident itself. At least not to John. Scott had talked with Alan a little about it to make sure his younger brother was okay and Jeff had talked to both him and Alan but they had all let John decide if he wanted to bring up the incident or not. This was the closest he had come to the subject.

"Then we'll deal with it. Gordon, Virgil and I will just have to spend more time up there and before long Alan will be ready to share some of the time."

"Alan will have a harder time dealing with it than Gordon," John said.

"Your probably right but he's wanted to be a part of IR for so long and he knows that's part of the deal. When the time comes, Alan will take his share of shifts up there even though he probably won't do it as quietly as you."

"But if I don't go back up there than I'm shirking my responsibilities as a member of this group."

"Don't ever think that, John. You've done more than your share of that job. You've stayed up there for two months stretches quite often. We're all lucky to get through a month," Scott told him. His brother had never taken his eyes off of the night sky the whole conversation. "John look at me," Scott said. He waited for his brother to look at him before he continued. "John I love you and I don't want to lose you. I would do anything for you and would never ask you to do something that you don't feel you're ready for. Honestly, after what happened, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't want to go back up to Thunderbird 5 and I know the others feel the same way."

John felt tears welling up in his eyes at his brothers words. He turned away from his brother and looked back outside.

"Scott, I'm scared."

The confession came out unconsciously. He hadn't meant to say the words but they had come out anyway. As soon as they were out though he felt a weight lift off of him. Suddenly he felt as if he didn't need to pretend to be strong. That he could show his true feelings without being weak.

He felt his brother rest an arm across his shoulders.

"You don't have to deal with this alone John. We're all here for you."


	11. There again

"I'm so glad to see you two," Gordon said as Jeff and Scott made there way through the airlock and onto Thunderbird 5 as he pushed himself off the wall which he had been leaning against.

"What, no luggage waiting next to the airlock," Jeff said jokingly.

"I didn't want to look too desperate," Gordon replied with a smile.

"Yeah, and the fifty calls this morning didn't already give us that impression," Scott replied his own bag over one shoulder.

"I only called three times," Gordon told him.

"Seemed like fifty."

"Okay, you two," Jeff said chuckling softly at his two sons banter. "Gordon why don't you get your stuff so we can head on back," Jeff told him anxious to get back.

"Okay Dad," Gordon said anxious to get back himself. He headed toward the sleeping quarters on Thunderbird 5 with Scott not far behind him.

Gordon grabbed his packed bag off of the bed and turned to find Scott just standing in the door way. His older brother had a far away look on his face.

"Scott are you okay?" Gordon asked concerned about his older brother.

"What?" Scott asked as if he hadn't heard Gordon's question. Gordon had a feeling that he hadn't as Scott had seemed lost in his own thoughts there for a little while.

"I asked if you were okay," Gordon told him still looking at his brother.

"Yeah Gordo, I'm fine," Scott told him putting on a fake smile. Gordon wasn't buying it though.

"Look Scott, maybe it isn't such a great idea for you to be up here right now," Gordon said thinking that Scott's daze might have something to do with recent events. Scott and Alan were the two to find John when . . well, Gordon really didn't want to think about that. "Maybe I should just stay a little longer."

"What and have you calling us every five seconds," Scott told him. He knew exactly what Gordon was getting at and even though he wasn't about to admit it to his brother, Gordon was right on the money. The second he had walked into the room the scene he had walked in on only a few weeks ago flooded his mind. The image of John holding the gleaming blade close to his wrist.

"I don't think so," Scott told Gordon trying to put the image out of his head. Now, get going. You're keeping Dad waiting," Scott told him stepping to one side and gesturing toward the door.

Gordon opened his mouth in protest but never got the chance to say anything.

"Go, I'm fine," Scott said again.

Gordon could tell by the tone of Scott's voice that arguing the point would get him nowhere. Scott had made up his mind and it didn't matter what anyone said to him, he wasn't budging. Sometimes his eldest brother could be so stubborn.

"Okay," Gordon said giving in and heading for the door. "If you need to talk thought don't hesitate to call. Doesn't matter what time it is."

"I will," Scott told him.

Scott watched as Gordon headed out the door and back to the airlock. Scott quickly tossed his own bag on the bed and then followed his brother to say good-bye to his Dad.

* * *

"How did the rescue go?" Scott asked John over the link later that evening. John, Virgil, and Gordon had to go help save some loggers in Canada from a river and had just come back as Scott was talking to Jeff.

"I didn't do anything to Thunderbird 1. She's still in one piece and running fine," John told him.

"Did I say anything?" Scott said defensively.

"You didn't have to," John replied and everyone in the room had a laugh. Scott was almost as protective of Thunderbird 1 as he was his brothers.

"I'm hurt," Scott said with mock hurt. "I trust you John."

"You don't even trust me when it comes to Thunderbird 1," Jeff Tracy put in before any of the boys had a chance to reply to Scott's comment.

"You know Scott, I think your slacking a little," John commented. "Thunderbird one looked like it could use a good coat of paint."

"Yeah, you know I think I saw some lovely fusca hanging around the storage shed," Virgil added.

"You two wouldn't dare,"Scott said slightly alarmed.

"Okay guys. I think you've tormented your brother enough," Jeff said not liking where the conversation was going. He could actually see John, Virgil, or Gordon, or even all three of them. repainting Thunderbird 1 just to torment Scott.

"I think its time for dry clothes anyways," John commented heading for the door. His uniform was still damp from river water. Gordon and Virgil were right behind him.

"They were just kidding about the paint, weren't they Dad?" Scott asked when it was just the two of them again.

"I'm sure they were son," Jeff said with a smile. 'At least I hope they were," he silently added to himself.

Jeff and Scott talked a little bit longer about potential situations developing around the globe before cutting communications.

As Scott closed the link with his father he glanced over the computer monitors once again. Nothing had changed. He knew staying there and staring at them wasn't going to change anything. He knew he couldn't put off going into the sleeping quarters off much longer. He still had to unpack his bag not to mention that it was getting late and he was getting tired.

Setting the computer to sound an alert if something came up that needed his attention, Scott stood up and left the command deck.


	12. Letting go

"I'll think about it John," Jeff Tracy told his son signaling that the conversation was over.

John nodded and silently headed for the door leaving Jeff alone with his thought.

Jeff had known that John's request would come eventually. With John's love of the stars, he knew his second eldest son would eventually want to return to Thunderbird 5. Jeff had just been hoping that it would be a little further down the road.

The question remained - was John ready to go back up? Jeff knew that only John could really answer that question and even though John hadn't come right out and said it Jeff could tell that John still had doubts about returning but he insisted he was ready to try it. Jeff just wasn't sure he was ready to risk it.

It had only been a week since Scott had gone up and Jeff was well aware of his eldest son's problems with being back on the space station. His first night up there, Scott had called down in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Scott had talked to Gordon for awhile and then Jeff had ended up talking to his son for a couple of hours. Jeff had even offered to come up for Scott but Scott had insisted on staying.

Over the following days things had gotten easier for Scott. Jeff didn't have to rely on what Scott told him to know that. Jeff could see the difference. His mood was lighter and the dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep disappeared.

The beeping of the comm unit brought Jeff out of his thoughts. Jeff hit the button to activate the monitor and Scott's face appeared on screen.

"What's up scott?" Jeff asked his son.

"Nothing really. Just wanted to talk to someone as having a conversation with myself isn't very much fun," Scott told him. He looked closely at his father sensing something was wrong. "Is everything okay down there?"

"Yeah, Scott everything is fine," Jeff told him. "I just have a hard decision to make." Jeff looked at his son's questioning look and debated on whether or not to tell him. In the end, he figured what could it hurt and talking out loud might even help him sort through things. "John wants to return to Thunderbird 5. He thinks he's ready."

"And you don't?" Scott asked. The question was really more of a statement. Scott could tell his father didn't think John was ready. If he did, Jeff wouldn't hesitate to send him back up.

Scott didn't think the time was right either. His own reaction to returning to Thunderbird 5 had taken him by surprise. He hadn't really considered being back on the station as bothering him any but it had.

That whole first night all he had been able to think about was the scene he had walked in on. Seeing John holding the blade so close to his wrist. What if Alan hadn't overheard the conversation between John and there father? What if he hadn't listened to Alan? What if Dad had just brought John down when he had first asked? Most of all, what if he and Alan had been a few minutes later?

Scott knew very well that the scene he and Alan had walked in on could have easily been very different. Instead of the gleaming knife blade haunting his mind it could have very well been a bloody blade. Scott knew how close he had been to possibly losing a brother.

"I honestly don't know if he's ready or not but I do know that I'm not ready to have him back up there," Jeff told his eldest son. "I guess I'm just not ready to risk letting him go yet. I mean here, someone is always nearby. Up there, if something happens after he's alone up there its not as if we can get to him immediately. Even our best efforts would take time," Jeff said slowly. "Time that we may not have."

Scott wasn't sure what to say. He and his dad were both thinking along the same lines.

"But I've got to let him go sometime," Jeff continued. "John's love for the stars is too great not to mention his sense of duty. If I try to keep him here, try to shelter him, he'll end up resenting being here and resent me in the process. That doesn't seem like much of an alternative. I'm just not sure what to do, Scott."

Scott nodded in agreement. His Dad had a valid point. He was glad he wasn't the one that had to make that decision.

And then an idea came to him.

"Hey Dad, do you think that you, Virgil, and Gordon would be able to handle things down there own your own for a little while?"

Jeff thought about it for a moment. Things had been kind of quiet here lately and from the looks of things that trend seemingly was going to continue for a little while longer.

"Yeah, we probably could. What are you getting at Scott?"

"Send John up and let the both of us stay up here for a little while then he won't be up here alone."

Jeff thought about what his sons just said. It made perfect sense. He didn't know why he hadn't thought of that solution himself because when it came right down to it, it was the idea of John being up there alone that Jeff didn't like. Letting him go up with Scott still there would eliminate that problem.

"That's a good idea Scott," Jeff told him. "Let me arrange things and I'll get back to you," Jeff told him.

"Okay, talk to you later Dad," Scott said signing off.

In his office, Jeff closed the link on his side and then went in search of John.

* * *

Jeff found John down on the beach, staring out across the ocean. Jeff approached his son quietly.

"Are you ever going to trust me again?" John asked his father as Jeff came to a stop beside him.

His words took Jeff by surprise. They seemed to come out of the blue and Jeff didn't understand how John could feel that way.

"John I do trust you. I've never not trusted you. Where did you ever get an idea like that."

"I figured that was the reason that you didn't want me going back to Thunderbird 5. That maybe you think I would try something again. That . . . "

Jeff didn't let him get any further.

"No son, it isn't that. I'm not keen on the idea of you going back up there because I failed you once and I don't want to do that again. I should have seen how much pain you were in years ago back when you were trying to talk about it but I was too wrapped up in my own grief. I pushed you away. I don't want to do that again and somehow letting you go back up seems like I'm doing that all over again."

"I need to go back up Dad," John told him. "I don't know for sure that I'm ready but the longer I put it off the harder it is going to be for me to go back."

"John don't feel pressured into going back up. If you don't want to, all of us would understand," Jeff told him.

"I know that, but I need to go back up. Not for you or anyone else but for myself. I love the stars Dad, and the thought of not going back up, well its something I don't even want to dwell on because it would be like a piece of me is missing. I need to go up Dad."

Jeff saw the pleading in his son's eyes. Deep down he knew that was how John would feel. As much as he wanted to keep his son here he knew he couldn't. John loved the stars. It was another thing that set him apart from his brothers. While they all dwelled on the solitude, John found solace in the stars.

"I understand, son," Jeff said softly. "That's why as soon as your ready, I'll take you up to Thunderbird 5. Scott and I were talking and he suggested that you come up while he's still there and I think that's for the best, at least for a short time."

"But things down here . ."

"Virgil, Gordon and I will handle it. I'm not about to let you be up there alone and it isn't about not trusting you, I just don't think you're ready for that yet. Going back up there was hard on Scott. Going back isn't going to be easy for you either and I want somebody there to help you through that."

John nodded, feeling relieved. Going back did scare him. Knowing that Scott would be there made the whole thing a little less overwhelming.

"Thanks Dad," John said throwing his arms around his father.

Jeff hugged his son tightly. He didn't want to let go but he knew eventually he would have to. Just like he had to let John return to Thunderbird 5 as much as he didn't want to. Letting go was always hard on a parent and this time was no easier then the times before.


	13. Opening up

AN: Okay, after a three month break here's chapter 13. If you read my other t-bird fic this first scene might seem a little familiar but it was written here first. I also realize that Mrs. Tracy died in an avalanche not a fire ( I missed the avalanche reference in the movie when I watched it in the theater). I've thought about going back and rewriting to make this story fit but I haven't thought of a good way to do it yet.

"Virgil, none of these readings are making sense," Gordon said just a little bit panicked. He was in Thunderbird 2 with Virgil.

The call had seemed pretty straight forward. A group of teenagers had taken a field trip into the Rocky Mountains. Three of the teenagers had gotten loss from the group and search and rescue had been sent out to find them before a incoming thunderstorm descended on the area. The local search and rescue had asked for International Rescues assistance as they were racing against mother nature.

"What do you mean they're not making sense?" Virgil asked without looking over at his brother. He was concentrating on flying the bulky green rocket.

"I don't think the sensors are working right," Gordon told him. "Thunderbird 2 to Thunderbird 5, Scott, are the other searchers reporting any sensor problems?"

"Affirmative Gordon," Scott replied. "Something down there must be interfering with sensor readings down there."

"What about Thunderbird 5's sensors?" Virgil asked.

"I'm getting mild interference but I have a reading on the school group. I'll scan for any other life signs in the area," Scott told them as he heard footsteps behind him. He didn't have to look back to know that it was John. Thunderbird 3 had been on final approach to the station when the call had come through.

Scott heard an alarm start beeping. He immediately started looking to see what it was for.

Knowing Thunderbird 5 better, John instantly knew what the alarm was for. He reached past Scott to key communications to Thunderbird 2.

"Virgil, veer off, you're on a collision course with one of the rescue helicopters," John said urgently into the mike. There was silence on the end during which both Scott and John hoped Virgil had made the necessary course corrections in time.

"That was close," Virgil's voice came back over a short time later letting them both know that he was fine. "Thanks John."

"These senors aren't working at all," Gordon said frustration in his voice. "We're flying blind Virgil."

"Boys, maybe you should head back to base," Jeff Tracy's voice chimed in from Thunderbird 3.

"Dad, we'll be fine,"Virgil said. "Those kids need to be found."

"Okay, but be careful. Scott, John you're going to have to relay information to Thunderbird 2 from up there."

"FAB, Dad," Scott said.

"Virgil, I'm picking up three life signs about five miles north-northwest of you," John said.

"FAB. Changing course to check it out," Virgil said.

There was a moment of silence over the intercom and then they heard Gordon's voice.

"I've got visual confirmation," Gordon said as he spotted the three figures in the Thunderbird 2's searchlight. "One may be injured," he said as he noticed that two of them were kneeling next to the third person.

"I'm landing in a near-by clearing," Virgil said and then there was silence as he and Gordon presumably left the rocket to assist the lost students.

"I hate this part," Scott muttered under his breath.

"So do I," John said softly from beside him, just having barely heard his older brother's remark.

Scott looked over at his brother who wasn't looking at him. John was still scanning the information coming in from Thunderbird 5's sensors. He had never really thought about it before but John was left in the dark quite often when they were on missions. Left wondering if Virgil, Gordon, Dad, or himself was okay. Yet he did it without complaining unlike the rest of them did.

Scott knew he and the rest of his brothers griped a lot about having to do there time up in Thunderbird 5. They didn't really have a right to though. It had always been John that shouldered the bulk of the responsibilities up here. Maybe he needed to have a talk with Dad about changing that. Possibly finding a way that John was down on Tracy Island with them more.

* * *

"I guess I should go unpack," John said standing up from the chair he had been sitting in as Jeff Tracy welcomed Thunderbird 2 back to the island.

Scott looked over his shoulder watching his brother leave the control area. He watched as John retrieved the bag he had left by the end of the access corridor, trying to decide if he should follow his brother or not.

As John started down the corridor and toward the sleeping corridor, Scott made up his mind. He remembered what it was like when he had first walked into that room. He wasn't about to let John face it alone.

Scott switched Thunderbird 5's controls over to auto and left the control deck himself. By the time Scott reached the sleeping quarters John was already by one of the beds. He had set his bag down on one of the beds and was simply standing there. Scott walked over to his younger brother.

"John," he said softly laying a hand gently on his brother's shoulder. John had a far away look on his face.

Scott had a feeling he now knew what Gordon had been feeling not long ago when he had first come back up here. He waited for John to say something but his brother didn't. Scott was about to suggest that they have Dad come back up to Thunderbird 5 for him when John finally did speak up.

"It was Alan that kept me from following through with it," John said his voice just barely above a whisper.

Scott didn't dare move or say anything as he didn't want to keep John from getting this out. As far as he knew, this was the first time that John had talked about what had happened. About what he had been thinking and feeling. Scott knew that if he did anything to interrupt him now, his brother might never bring the subject up again.

"I just felt like I couldn't keep it inside anymore and everyone else seemed to be dealing with it just fine on there own. I tried to tell Dad what was going on when I called him that night but I held back. He had always tried to change the subject when I brought it up and I figured he would just do it again. I figured anything was better than the pain I was going through. One cut and soon it would all be over."

"It was Alan's voice that made me stop. I started thinking about him and Gordon, you and Virgil and Dad and knew that even though the pain might be over for me, my death would only cause you all more pain." John looked up at Scott and Scott could see the tears glistening in his brothers eyes. "Scott, if you and Alan hadn't come up here that night I would've gone through with it. I know I would have," John told him the last of his words deteriorating into sobs.

Scott put his arms around his brother and pulled him close.

"It's okay," Scott whispered softly to his brother as he held him tight. "I love you John. No matter what, I'll always love you."

Scott held his brother tightly, as the answers to the questions he had been asking this whole past month started sinking in. He knew now how close he had come to losing a brother. If he hadn't listened to Alan, hadn't been able to convince Dad to let them come up the outcome would've been much different. He would've have been mourning a brother instead of helping him through a difficult time. As bad as this last month had been, Scott was suddenly thankful that it hadn't been worse.


	14. Thoughts

moonlightbear - admission of tears! I'm flattered that I was able to react some emotion with my writing. As for how the mom died I'm assuming that by now you got my note at the start of chapter 13. Glad you like the story and hope you like this chapter.

ladc - glad you liked the last chapter and thanks for the opinion about whether I should change the story or not. I kind of like it the way it is myself too.

Kitkat Tictac - glad to see you found this story too. Feel free to email me if you want. I'm not also quick on replies but I do reply!

Marblez- yeah there's more. If you start think I'm dragging it out too long let me know but right now there is more I want to write on this story now that I got past the part I was stuck on.

ctymolse - thanks for the review and encouragement.

Scott felt John start to pull away from him and reluctantly let him go. As John took a step back from his older brother, he reached up and wiped the tears from his face.

Scott looked at his brother still concerned. He suddenly wondered if this had been such a good idea. Scott wasn't comfortable with conversations like this. He had no clue what to say to his brother or even if he should say anything. He was like his Dad when it came to emotional conversations, he tended to avoid them at all costs. Perhaps, he should have suggested to his father that he send Virgil up here to stay with John. Virgil was better at this stuff than he was and Virgil was closer to John.

It was to late to worry about that now. Virgil wasn't here. He was and like it or not he had to figure out how to handle it. He just hoped he wouldn't fumble it too badly.

"John are you going to be okay?" Scott asked him. "Do you want me to have Dad come back . . ."

"No Scott!" John said quickly interrupting him. "I can't leave, especially not now. If I leave now I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince myself to come back up here," John told him. Scott saw the pleading look in John's eyes.

"Okay," Scott said nodding. "I won't bring it up again but if you change your mind . . ." Scott said trailing off. John nodded indicating that he knew what Scott was getting at.

Scott knew how John felt. He had felt the same way when he had first returned to Thunderbird 5, which was why he had tried getting rid of Gordon and his Dad so fast. Scott was afraid that if he left Thunderbird 5 without conquering his fear than he would never be able to return to the space station.

"Can I have some time alone?" John asked softly.

Scott nodded, reaching out to rest his hand briefly on John's arm before heading toward the door.

Trying to silence his doubts, Scott headed back to the control room. He felt as if this situation was beyond his control and he hated that feeling. He liked feeling in control. Knowing that he could change the outcome for the better. But this wasn't like the usual problems he faced. He had already missed all kinds of signs over the years that his brother was in trouble. What if he missed more? John had come a long way in the past month but Scott knew a month couldn't miraculously fix all the pain John had been feeling for the last eleven years. He wasn't even sure anything could.

Scott sat down in the chair in front of the control panel absently looking at the monitors in front of him. He thought about calling down to the island just to talk to someone but decided against it. He knew his father was already worried about having John up here. If he called down this soon, his father would think something was wrong.

Then he heard the beeping of an incoming call. Scott held back from immediately answering it. He didn't want anyone down there to think he was desperate or anything.

He silently counted to thirty and then reached out to open the communications link figuring he had given it a long enough time. He expected it to be his father calling and instead Virgil's face appeared on screen.

"Hey Scott, how's my brother?"

Scott knew Virgil was asking about John and not him but decided to have a little fun with his younger sibling.

"I'm just fine, Virgil. Thanks for asking."

"Not you. I meant the older brother I actually like," Virgil said with a smile on his face.

"Hey!" Scott said as Virgil started laughing. "You do realize that I'm going to have to get you back for that remark, don't you?"

"If it wasn't that you'd find something else so why not have some fun?" Virgil replied. "Seriously though, how's John?"

Scott found himself looking over his shoulder in the direction he had just come from, trying to figure out just how to answer Virgil's question.

"I'm not really sure Virgil," Scott told him glancing back at the screen. He saw the concern look on Virgil's face, which got even more concerned at Scott's indefinite answer. Scott told him about what had just happened. About the conversation he had just had with John although he left out exactly what John had said. He didn't feel comfortable repeating that even to Virgil. "Believe me Virgil, I wish it were you up here rather than me," Scott confessed as he finished up.

"Go get him for me," Virgil reply. "I'll see if I can't get him to talk to me."

"Okay," Scott said with a nod. "Hold on."

Scott stood up and left the control deck. As he approached the door to the sleeping quarters he grew a little hesitant. John had said he wanted some time alone. How would he react to Scott's presence?

"John," Scott called out softly as he entered the room, not wanting to startle his brother. Scott looked around the small room and saw John standing at the viewport, staring out into space. "John," Scott said again a little louder this time, "sorry to disturb you. Virgil called up and he wants to talk to you."

Scott waited for a reply. He was starting to wonder if John had even heard him when he finally turned away from the viewport. As he turned around, Scott didn't like what he saw. John's eyes were filled with pain, grief, and guilt. It was the same look he had when he and Alan had taken him back down to the island. Something that Scott hadn't seen in the past few weeks. He sure hoped a talk with Virgil would help. If it didn't, Scott was taking the risk and calling his Dad to come back up here whether John liked it or not.

Not wanting to intrude on the conversation between his brothers, Scott grabbed his copy of the latest issue of Aviator and settled down on his bed to read.

A couple hours, and a few articles later, Scott tossed his magazine aside. John hadn't come back and Scott was getting sick of waiting. He hated waiting which was the main reason he hated duty aboard Thunderbird 5. He hated waiting to find out the outcome of a mission while everyone else was down there taking part. Waiting for the call that told you everyone was okay or that someone was hurt.

He had hated waiting ever since he was a kid. Waiting for doctor's and dentists. Waiting in line at amusement parks. Waiting to get a test paper back, especially when you knew the grade wasn't good and there were plenty of lectures waiting for you. No, waiting was never good.

Scott started walking down the access corridor toward the control room. As he approached, he listened for voices, not wanting to intrude on a conversation if one was still taking place. He didn't hear anything. The thought of whether that was a good or bad thing crossed his mind and he found himself quicken his pace, concerned as to what the silence might mean.

John was sitting at the control panel, silently taking things in. Scott came to a stop a few steps into the control room, and just stood looking at his brother. He suddenly thought about all the times John had been up here, watching during one of the rescue missions. Taking in everything that went on. Relaying needed information. Helping each of them get home safely.

"_Maybe it seems like we take what you do for granted but we don't."_

Scott remembered telling his brother those words about a week ago. He was starting to wonder how accurate they had been. Yes he and his brothers knew how important Thunderbird 5 was to International Rescue's operation. They also knew how much they all hated being up here. But had they ever really stopped to think about the amount of time that John put in up here.

Six months out of a year. He had done that for the past four, no wait almost five years as John's birthday was coming up soon, ever since his eighteenth birthday. Ever since Thunderbird 5 had gone on line. And that was just in theory. The rotation was suppose to happen monthly but it didn't always work out that way. There were times that John would stay up here longer when someone got hurt or someone got sick. It was always John who picked up the slack.

Truth be told, he had taken all that for granted. John went about it so quietly. Never complained about a late rotation, when the rest of them were on the radio if thunderbird 3 was so much as a minute late with docking with the station. Yeah, he checked in daily or if something came up but the rest of them probably called down to the island at least once a day just to say hello, and sometimes quite a bit more than that toward the end of their rotation.

"Is there a reason you're standing there?" John asked his voice breaking through Scott's thoughts.

"Sorry, just lost in thought," Scott told him walking toward a second chair in the control room. As he did he looked closely at his brother, looking for any signs of the emotions that had been so evident just a few hours ago. He didn't see anything. The talk with Virgil must have done some good.

"I'm fine Scott," John told him as Scott sat down in the empty chair beside him. "Really, talking with Virgil helped a lot, so thanks," John told him with a smile.

"Am I that evident," Scott said.

"I can read you like a book," John told. "And Virgil might have mentioned something about the conversation the two of you had."

"I should have know," Scott said with a smile.


	15. First Night

ladc - yeah I thought I needed to lighten things a little which is why I put the Virgil/Scott banter in there. Glad you approved.

moonlightbear - no problem with the mispellings (my fiance's text messages are like that). glad to hear your still enjoying the story.

darkhelmeti - thanks for the review. Glad you liked the additional chapters. I know people thought it ended well where I did but I always felt like it wasn't quite finished I just was stuck on the next chapters. Well I got myself unstuck obviously. Hope you keep enjoying it.

* * *

"_Somebody help," she called out panic in her voice._

"_Hang on. I'm coming," he called out to her._

_He redoubled his efforts. He had to get to her. He just had to. He heard the groaning above him but he didn't look up. He just kept forging on._

_The next thing he knew the floor above him was falling down around him. He lost his footing and fell to the ground, putting his hands over his head. The rain of debris seemed to last forever. _

John Tracy sat up in his bed, his heart pounding in his chest, his breaths coming in short gasps. He looked around taking in his surroundings. He was aboard Thunderbird 5 again not back in the burning house in Florida.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath willing his heart to stop pounding in his chest. There was no danger. Everything was fine. He was back aboard his Thunderbird. His sanctuary.

"John," he heard a voice say softly.

He opened his eyes, to find Scott sitting on the edge of his bed. The room was dark, the only light coming from the stars outside of the open viewport. John could sense, more than see the worry on his brother's face.

John drew he's knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He closed his eyes trying to rid his mind of the images of the fire. Images that had haunted his dreams periodically for the past eleven years. The sound of his mother's panicked voice calling out for help. His inability to help her. To save her.

He heard her cry for help again. Soon other voices were joining that cry. Flooding his mind with things he had heard over the years.

"John," he heard Scott say again amongst all the other voices he heard in his head. Was it real or imagined like all the others?

_You can't save everyone._

_Somebody help me!_

_Is he going to make it._

_Dad I tried to help her._

_You can't save everyone._

_Its not good to dwell on the past son._

_My Angel._

_John, is something wrong._

_No, why would it be._

_Somebody help me!_

_You can't save everyone._

_Don't do it._

_Why did you shut me out John?_

_You can't save everyone._

"John, what's wrong?" came Scott's voice again. This time the urgency in those few words cut through the jumble of all the other voices. John tried to focus on that voice. Tried to shut the others out.

He had done his best. He had tried to reach her in time. Save her. It just wasn't meant to be.

_In my eyes, you're a hero John Tracy. Don't you ever forget that._

His family didn't blame him for her death. It was one of those tragic accidents, the reason International Rescue had been organized to try and prevent. Organized in Meg Tracy's memory. Unfortunately, not all of them were preventable. International Rescue couldn't save everyone just like he hadn't been able to save his mother. They tried though. And if only one life was spared because of there efforts, one family spared the pain of a loss, then on some level they had been successful.

He had tried to reach her. Tried to save her from the house that was literally falling around them. It just hadn't meant to be. Despite his best efforts, he just couldn't get to her in time. And now that he thought about it, even now with all the training he had gone through, all the rescues he had gone through, he still doubted he would have been able to save her.

"That's it, I'm calling Dad," he heard Scott say, pure panic in his voice.

John reached out and grabbed his brother's arm as he started to stand up.

"No, Scott don't," John said quickly knowing that if Scott called him his Dad would be up here as soon as he could and he wouldn't leave unless John came with him.

Scott sat back down on the bed. John's hand didn't leave his arm, like John was afraid that if he did, Scott would suddenly leave on him.

"Then talk to me John, because right now you're scaring me," Scott told his brother softly.

He hadn't been able to fall asleep as he had been thinking about his own first night back up on the station since the incident. He had been aware of his brother's restless sleep. Heard the tossing and turning he had been doing. Then he heard his brother's gasp for breath as he awoke from his restless sleep.

And then John hadn't answered him. Had showed no indication that he even knew he was there. Scott couldn't help but wonder if John was still lost in those dream images. He had made the comment about calling Dad more to himself than his brother as he didn't think John had been paying attention to what he had been saying. Those words had reached him though.

"I was thinking about the fire again," John finally told him. "I tried my best to reach her, Scott."

"I know you did John. We all know that."

"But I couldn't get to her. There was too much debris. The heat and smoke was making it hard for me to breathe and the more I think about the more I think it wouldn't matter. I'm not sure if the fire happened today and everything happened the same way that I could've have gotten to her."

"John you tried. That's the important thing," Scott told him trying to reassure him.

"I've been on missions that went wrong. Where we haven't been able to save the people. Sure there faces might stay with me for a week or so but it fades away. Why can't I let this one go."

"Because it was someone you loved," Scott told him. "To this day I can still see the burning house. Hear mom's voice as she put Alan in my arms and told me to get him to safety. Hear the firemen telling me I couldn't go back in after you or Mom because I wanted to John. I wanted to help the two of you but I wasn't allowed. The only time that I ever felt more helpless was seeing you in the hospital afterwards, feeling like I let you down."

"You didn't let me down Scott. You could never do that. You're the big brother I always look up to no matter what. The one that I can rely on to help me lookout for the other three."

"As bad as this sounds, there were times when I wished it was Alan that was hurt and not you. I know that is a terrible thing to even think. Alan should be the one I'm most protective of as he is the youngest but he isn't. I can't help it. I've always felt the most protective of you," Scott told his brother finally admitting to him what he had never admitted to anyone else. What he tried to not admit to himself. "I'm not sure why. I use to think that it was because you were always so much quieter than the rest of us or it was from when we were at school and all the other kids gave you a hard time. The more I think of it though, I don't think it so much that as it is that you're the one closest to my age. I'm the only older brother you got. I mean Virgil has you and me to look out for us and Alan has all four of us. You just have me and I know there have been times that I haven't been the big brother I should've been. Times where it has seemed like you're the one that has been looking out for me. Times when it seemed like I was letting you down."

"You've never let me down," John repeated.

"Yes, yes I have I mean look what . . ."

"What I chose to do is not your fault. In the end, I'm the one who ended up keeping everything to myself . . ."

"Because I told the others not to talk to you about the fire. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought if we kept bringing it up that you would never be able to put it behind you."

"You were dealing with it the way you knew how to Scott. I don't blame you for that, and you shouldn't blame yourself for it."

"Just like you shouldn't blame yourself for not being able to save Mom. The fire wasn't your fault it just was."

"I think I'm finally started to see that," John admitted to him. "And as for me looking out for you, well who else would. Being the two oldest Scott I think we have the responsibility to each other to look out for one another and I think we've both done a great job at that."

Even though John probably couldn't see it, Scott found himself nodding in agreement with his brother. He had a point.

"I think we both need to try and get some sleep," John commented stifling a yawn. As tired as he was though, the images and voices were still in the back of his mind. Threatening to over power him again.

"Are you going to be okay?" Scott asked him.

"Yeah," John said with a confidence he didn't feel. "Although do you think you could stay here until I fall asleep?" John asked not ready to give up the comfort of having his brother near-by.

"Sure," Scott said softly staying where he was sitting as John laid back down. He reached out and held his brother's hand a memory washing over him. It was the reason the two of them had shared a room even after they had moved to the bigger house on Tracy Island.

_His little brother's scream had brought him out of the deep sleep he had been in. Without thinking about it, he threw his blankets back, turned his bedside lamp on and rushed the short distance across the room to John's bed. Scott saw that his younger brother was sitting up in bed, his arms wrapped around his legs, head down on his knees. He heard John's soft sobs._

_Scott sat down on the bed near him and pulled his brother into his arms. This wasn't the first time. In fact, in the first two weeks after John had come home from the hospital, it had been an every night thing. At first it was their father that had come rushing into the room, sometimes two or three times a night. _

_The doctor's had told them the nightmares were normal for a kid to experience after a traumatic experience. That it was the mind's way of coping with it. That the nightmares would slowly get less frequent and eventually stop altogether._

_They had gotten less frequent but now even four months later, John's nightmares still tended to wake them both up at night two maybe three times a week although neither of them told their father. They both figured that he had enough stuff to deal with without bothering him with this._

"_I don't want to move," Scott heard his brother say softly his sobs having diminished. Scott still held him tight. He never left his brother's side until John went back to sleep._

_Their father had dropped that news on them earlier over dinner. Scott knew his father had been looking for a new place to live for the last three months. His Dad had told him about the plans he had, had seen the preliminary sketches of the rocket his Dad wanted to build. Had met Professor Hyram Hackenbacker, who was going to help his father build the rescue ships that had become his dream over these last few months. _

_The island would give Dad and Professor Hackenbacker the room and secrecy they needed to build the ships and organize the organization they wanted to build. It also meant relocating both of their families. Scott was all for the move even though it meant going to boarding school. His brother__s, except for Alan who was too young to know what was going on, had seemed excited about the move too. Scott was starting to think John's excitement had just been an act though._

"_Why didn't you tell Dad that earlier?" Scott asked him._

"_Because Dad was so excited about it. I didn't want to ruin it."_

"_It won't change things. We'll all still be together," Scott told his brother trying to relieve his fears about the move. It wasn't like John had a lot of friends at school anyway. John had always tended to keep to himself. "We're going to have a pool, and plenty of room, not to mention our own private beach," Scott said trying to get his brother excited about the move. "We'll even be able to have our own rooms."_

"_I don't want my own room," John said in a voice so soft that Scott almost missed it. Suddenly he knew what was wrong. John was afraid of waking from a nightmare and nobody being there for him. Scott hadn't even thought about that._

"_Then we'll share a room," Scott told him. It wasn't like he had any problem sharing a room with his brother. The two of them got along fine, John being one to kind of go along with things. All he had ever had to do was tell John he wanted some time alone and John had respected that and would stay out of the room. The ball cap on the door had even been John's idea. If one of them wanted to be alone they would simply hang a ball cap on the door and the other one would steer clear or if they really needed to get something knock before entering. It was usually Scott putting the ball cap on the door knob. "I'll tell Dad first thing in the morning," Scott told him knowing that his Dad was meeting with a friend, who happened to be an architect, about the design of the house. _

"_You don't mind?" John asked looking up at him._

"_No, I don't mind," Scott told him. _

"_Then I guess moving won't be all that bad."_

"_It's a start of a new adventure," Scott told him softly and then stayed with him until John fell back asleep._

"And what an adventure its been," Scott said softly to himself as the memory faded.

He heard John's soft even breathing and knew his brother had fallen back asleep. He let go of his brother's hand, letting it gently come to rest on the bed beside him. He quietly stood and made his way to his bed hoping that no more nightmares would disturb his brother's sleep tonight.


	16. Another Rescue

ladc - yeah I figured I had to have some kind of explanation for that choice besides that it worked for the story. Glad you found it believable.

Sarah - thanks for the review! glad to hear you like it.

moonlightbear - glad you like the memories. I was hoping I wasn't going overboard with them -especially in that last chapter.

I-like-chickens - thanks for the review!

Marblez - I forgive you. Just glad to know I haven't lost you. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Girl-detective - glad you like it. I was hoping people wouldn't think it was a little too sappy!

darkhelmeti - again glad to hear you didn't think it was a little to over the top with the emotion. The Tracy's just come off to me as a very close and caring family in the movie and the fact that they rely on each other so much during missions I think just adds to that. I guess I'll have to try harder at making you cry next time, lol!

* * *

Scott woke up from a deep sleep and looked toward the near-by clock. The glowing red numbers read six thirty a.m. He listened but didn't hear anything unusual. Still he couldn't shake the feeling that something didn't seem right.

Then it dawned on him. This was the first night in the past week that his brother's restless sleep hadn't kept or woke him up during the night.

John had shown the signs of the restless night sleep the past few days. Dark circles under his eyes. Eyes that were dulled with exhaustion and not the normal bright blue they usually were. He moved slowly and took naps here and there throughout the day.

Scott recognized himself in his brother these last few days. It had taken him about a week to adjust to be back on Thunderbird 5. To be able to close his eyes and not see the gleaming blade. He had needed time just like his brother now needed time.

Unlike himself, John didn't have to call down to Tracy island for someone to talk to. He and John had more talks like the one they did the first night. Although there had been nights when John would go to the control room and call their father. Scott just assumed that some habits never faded.

His father had called Scott a couple of times concerned about John. Scott tried to reassure him that everything was fine. That there was no need for him to come up for John. Scott often cut communications and said a short prayer that he was right. That he was doing the right thing.

His eyes now adjusted to the dim light, Scott looked toward his brother's bed. John still seemed to be resting peacefully. No nightmares had disturbed his sleep and for that Scott was thankful. He hated seeing his brother in so much pain. Not to mention they had both needed the good night sleep.

Reassured that everything was okay, Scott closed his eyes and tried to get some more sleep. It was still way too early for his liking anyway.

A few hours later, Scott opened his eyes again. He looked across the room at his brother's now empty bed. Then he looked over at the clock and saw that it was now nine o'clock.

Scott threw the blanket back and climbed out of bed himself. He quickly showered and dressed and then headed for the control room. He was sure that was where John was.

Scott heard voices before he reached the control room.

"Gordon have you got all those people off that roof yet?" Virgil asked.

"Almost, just hold this bird steady."

"I'm trying but this wind isn't making that job easy," Virgil told him.

Scott walked onto the control deck to see John sitting in his usual position. He was calmly taking in everything his computers and sensors were telling. Listening to the other's conversations as they went about the rescue.

Scott was amazed at how easy his brother was making it seem. Scott was always trying to figure out where the right screen was to get the information he wanted. Always felt rushed, trying not to let his family down on earth down.

Scott stayed where he was, standing silently just inside the entryway. He didn't want to distract his brother who had everything under control by asking what was going on. John was more than capable of handling everything anyway. Scott felt that he would probably just get in the way if he tried to help.

So he stood and watch. Trying to figure out what was going on by the conversation between his father and brothers.

"Dad, those flood waters are rising fast. You need to get out of there before they cut off you're retreat," John was saying into the radio.

"FAB John," my Dad replied. Scott heard muffled voices as Jeff Tracy presumably talked to those he was trying to help.

"Virgil, just to let you know a stronger part of the storm system is coming in winds will be picking up."

"Thanks for the heads up John," came Virgil's voice over the radio followed by another more panicked comment. "Damn it!" Virgil exclaimed as a strong gust rocked the bulky green leviathan he was trying to hold steady. "Gordon are you okay?" he asked as he stabilized the craft.

"Yeah, but I didn't realize this was going to be a roller coaster ride," came Gordon's reply as he grabbed the railing of the rescue pod and pulled himself back up to his feet. The rain was coming down fast and hard, stinging as it hit his face. He glanced at the people he had already brought to safety on the pod who all seemed to be picking themselves up, none the worse for wear.

Seeing that they were all okay, he turned his attention back to the two people still on the roof of the house. The father was holding up a little girl. Gordon knelt down and reached down for the little girl, praying that no gusts of wind rocked the ship until he had her up on the rescue pod.

"I got her," he called out to the father as he got a hold of the girl. The father let go and Gordon pulled the little girl to safety. As he pulled her up onto the rescue pod the little girl grabbed a hold of him tightly, clearly petrified.

Gordon stood up, one arm holding the little girl the other holding on to the railing. He turned to find the mother near-by. Gordon handed the little girl off to her and then turned back to help the father to safety. The waters of the Mississippi was now above the level of the first floor windows.

"John are there any clear paths to Thunderbird 1 anymore," Gordon heard his father's voice over the radio in his helmet. Gordon hoped his father wasn't in immediate danger but tried to focus on the current rescue.

"Negative Dad, at least not from where you are. The flood waters have the rocket almost completely surrounded."

"Copy that. Virgil, I'm at the police command post on the east side of the river. When you and Gordon get through with getting those people off the roof come get me."

"FAB, Dad," Virgil said glancing at the gauge for the wind speed. The stronger winds John had warned him about were starting to move in.

"I've got them all, Virgil, bring us up," came Gordon's voice over the radio.

"FAB," Virgil said hitting the control to bring the rescue pod back up into Thunderbird 2, grateful to get the all clear. "John how are the rest of the rescue going."

"Area personnel seem to have things under patrol. Somebody's on the way to rescue all known people trapped by the rising waters," John told him.

Virgil saw the light come on indicating that the rescue pod was back on board. He closed the cargo bay doors and headed the green rocket toward the command post his father was at.

"John what's the situation down river at Fitler?" Virgil heard his father asked.

"Last I knew they were just barely staying ahead of the river with the sandbags," John informed them. "It could very easily turn into another rescue zone down there."

"FAB. Vrigil, where are you at?"

"Almost to where you are Dad."

Moments later Virgil had the rocket over the command post. Trying to keep the rocket steady he let the rescue pod down to the ground, so they could let their passengers off.

"Okay, Virgil bring Gordon and me back up," Jeff Tracy said shortly after.

"FAB Dad," Virgil replied. Soon after Virgil got the indication that the rescue pod was back on board Gordon came into the cockpit. "Well you won't need a shower when we get back," Virgil quipped as he looked over at his brother as he took a seat in the co-pilot's seat."

"Cute," Gordon told, a small smile coming to his face. "Dad wants us to head to where Thunderbird 1 is. He's hoping he can still get aboard the rocket if he can get out there," Gordon told his brother.

They both knew what a blow it would be to there organization if the lost the reconnaissance rocket. It would severely hinder rescue operations as there would nobody on scene before Thunderbird 2 for a visual assessment of the rescue area. All preliminary plans would rely solely on information from Thunderbird 5.

No one had expected the flood waters to rise as fast as they had. When Jeff Tracy had left the rocket it had been well away from the rising waters of the Mississippi.

As they approached the area where Thunderbird 1 was Gordon glanced out the window. He saw what John had meant by it not being accessible from their direction. The rocket now sat on a peninsula, a small strip of land on the west being the only way it could be reached by ground. By air though, they would still be able to lower the rescue pod and get their father to the rocket. They were racing against time though as the river crept closer to the rocket.

"You'll have to move fast Dad, but we can get you to Thunderbird 1," Gordon told his father through the radio.

"Got it. I'm ready when you are."

"Lowering rescue pod now," Virgil replied.

"He's on the ground now," Gordon informed his brother still watching out the window of Thunderbird 2. He watched as his father jumped off the rescue pod to the ground and headed for Thunderbird 1.

"He's clear. Bring the rescue pod up."

"Rescue pod on the way up," Virgil told him as another strong gust of wind rocked the green rocket.

"Don't you know how to fly?" Gordon asked jokingly trying to relieve some of the tension that he felt.

"You're welcome to try and do better," Virgil told him, a smile on his face even as his eyes never leaving the controls.

"On second thought, you're doing a great job."

"I thought so," Virgil told him.

"Just got word that they've given up trying to stop the waters down in Fitler and are evacuating. One person is already in the river though and rescue personnel down there are requesting that we try finding him," John informed them.

"FAB John," Jeff replied. "I'm in Thunderbird 1 now and getting ready to take off. Thunderbird 2 are you clear."

"FAB Dad," Gordon replied letting his brother concentrate on flying the rocket ship. "We're out of Thunderbird 1's launch zone."

"Okay, head south toward Fitler. Let's see if we can't find that person."

"FAB Dad," was Virgil's quick reply as he headed the rocket down river. Thunderbird 1 soon rocketed past him heading toward their next rescue.

* * *

Three hours later, Jeff Tracy headed for his office, his hair still damp from the hot shower he had taken. They had been able to locate and rescue the fireman who had fallen into the river. Hundreds of homes had been destroyed or severely damaged by the flood waters but luckily only five lives had been lost. Over all it had been a successful mission.

However, it could have turned into a disaster and all because he didn't stop and think. He had been in such a rush to help those people that he had disregarded John's warning. John had told him the landing spot he had chosen for Thunderbird 1 was too close to the river for the rate the flood waters had been rising. John had the instruments and information up there to help him give advice on how they should proceed on the ground. He was in contact with all other rescue personnel in the area. That had been why Thunderbird 5 had been built, to help advise in situations like that. To help ensure that everyone of them made it home safe.

Still, he had decided to land there, confident that he could get to the three people struggling to pull a fourth out of the raging waters. His confidence had almost cost them Thunderbird 1.

Sure International Rescue could operate with the fast, sleek rocket ship but they would have been hindered. Thunderbird 1's speed was useful in getting someone on the scene to evaluate the situation personally and also in search and rescue operations. Without Thunderbird 1, they probably never would have gotten to that fireman in time today.

Jeff entered his office and sat down at his desk, worn out. Today would have been much easier if they had an extra person. Having two team members up on Thunderbird 5 was starting to take its toll on all of them. Virgil had ended up falling asleep on the couch when they had gotten back and Gordon had showered and retreated to his room.

Still he wasn't about to rush things. He was waiting for John to tell him that he was ready to be up there alone again or that he wanted to come back down. Yes, his mistake today could have cost them a rocket but the rocket could have been replaced. Jeff wasn't taking that kind of risk with his son's life. He had already put his son's lives in danger by creating International Rescue. It may have been their choice to become involved but he still felt responsible.

Turning on his computer, Jeff called up the radio communications and flight data from today's mission to review. Look for mistakes that had been made so that they could be learned from. So they could try and find a way to keep them from happening again.

* * *

"John, how would you feel about me going back down?" Scott asked his brother. He had been thinking about it all morning. Truth be told, he wasn't even really paying attention to the news broadcasts and other information coming in about the storm system that had caused the flooding in Mississippi. The system was moving east and they were suppose to be watching for any further situations that would require the assistance of International Rescue. Scott knew that John was doing a much better job at that then he was at the moment.

"I don't know, Scott. To tell you the truth I haven't really thought about it," John told him not taking his eyes of the computers in front of him.

Yes, being aboard the space station had gotten a lot easier for him the last couple of days. He hadn't even had any nightmares about the fire or his suicide attempt last night. Still, Scott's presence was a comfort. John wasn't sure how he would be faring if Scott wasn't here. Would the nightmares come back?

Still one of them was needed back on Tracy Island, that was all to clear to him. He could hear the stress and exhaustion in his brother's voices this morning. His father had hid it better, but John knew working with three team members actually on the rescues was getting to him to. His hasty decision on where to land Thunderbird 1 had shown that.

Thunderbird 1 needed only one person to operate it. Scott was his safety net right now but he was needed down on Earth more. John knew it would be selfish to keep him up here with him. He also knew Scott wasn't about to leave without his okay and that his father would never ask Scott to come back until he told his Dad he was ready to be up here alone. They were all waiting on him.

"John I'm not trying to rush you into anything. If you say you still need me here then I'll stay," Scott told his brother not saying the rest of what was on his mind. John however knew it without him saying it.

"But they need you more down there," John said finishing what his brother had started saying. Scott nodded as John looked at him.

Scott was sure his brother was ready. The way he had handled the rescue mission this morning was proof of that. John knew this station better than any of them. Could probably run this thing blind if need be. The question was, was he ready mentally? Emotionally? Could he handle being alone up here?

"I'll call Dad and tell him to come and get you," John said finally looking over at Scott.

"You're ready John. Your more than strong enough to do this," Scott told him. "And any time you need to talk all you have to do is call. We won't put you off this time. Believe me, we've all learned from that mistake."

"Go pack," John told him. "I'll have an easier time convincing Dad if he thinks this is totally my idea." 'And maybe I'll convince myself in the process,' John added to himself.

Scott got up and headed off the control deck. As he started down the access corridor John turned back to the control panel and placed the call to Tracy Island.


	17. Decision Made

Jeff Tracy was in the middle of listening to the playback of the radio transmissions during the mission when he heard the beeping of the incoming call.

"Please don't be another call for help," Jeff said softly to himself. If it was he knew they would all manage to pull it off somehow but he knew his two sons needed rest as much as he did.

"Hey John, what's up?" Jeff asked as his son's face appeared on the screen. He was glad to see that there was no look of urgency on his face which was a good indication that their help would not be required anywhere.

"Dad I was thinking that maybe its time that you come get Scott. I can handle this on my own up here," John told him trying to keep his voice steady and come off with a confidence that he did not feel inside.

"John are you sure?" Jeff asked his son searching his face for his own answers. Trying not to miss anything like he had before.

"Yeah, I'm sure," John replied without hesitating. He knew hesitating would immediately send off a red flag.

Jeff Tracy still wasn't convinced. He could tell that John didn't feel as confident about it as he was trying to pretend to be. He could see the uncertainty in his eyes.

"John there's no rush," Jeff told him. "We've got things under control down here."

"Barely," John replied. "I can tell Virgil and Gordon are getting stressed out. You guys need Scott down there to help out. Thunderbird 5 is suppose to be a one person position."

"I'm not worried about that right now. I'm worried about you, son."

"I'll be fine Dad."

Jeff found himself thinking about the morning mission. He had heard the exhaustion and frustration in Gordon's and Virgil's voices himself. He knew John was right. They needed either Scott or John back down here.

"You're not fooling me John. I can tell your not completely convinced yourself that you are ready to be up there by yourself," Jeff told him. He saw John look down briefly before meeting his gaze again.

"You're right, Dad, but I think it's the best thing for all of us. I'm up here. I'm dealing with things. Leaving now is only going to be a step back and you need one of us down there. Something needs to be done before a more serious mistake is made during a mission."

Jeff knew what John was getting. His mistake. The mistake that very well could have lost them Thunderbird 1. He hadn't thought things through this morning. If he kept pushing himself like he had been he knew there would be more mistakes.

"Let me talk to Scott," Jeff said with a sigh.

He saw John nod on the screen and then the screen went blank as John put the call on hold. Jeff already had an idea of how this conversation with Scott was going to play out. He had a feeling that John and Scott had already talked this through. That it was probably Scott's idea to begin with.

The screen came back to life and Scott now sat where John had been moments before. Behind Scott, Jeff could see John standing in the background.

"Hey Dad, John said you wanted to talk to me," Scott said easily.

"This was your idea wasn't it?" Jeff asked getting right to the point.

"Yes," Scott said. "Yes it was. He's ready though Dad. I know he is. You know I wouldn't even think about leaving if I thought he still needed me up here," Scot told his father.

Jeff looked at his son. He heard the sincerity in Scott's voice and knew his son well enough to know what he was saying was true. Scott was protective of all his brothers but especially John. If Scott thought John was ready then it was as good as time as any to try this.

"Okay," Jeff said giving in. "We'll be up for you this evening," Jeff told him.

"FAB, Dad," Scott said.

Jeff closed the link with Thunderbird 5 and leaned back in his chair. His eyes fell on the ski picture that stayed on his desk. He hoped he wasn't missing any signs this time around.

Jeff stood up and headed for the door of his office. He had to figure out where either Gordon or Virgil was at so he could have one of them be co-pilot on the trip up to Thunderbird 5.

He knocked on Gordon's door first but got no reply. Either Gordon wasn't in there or he was sleeping. He decided to see if Virgil was still downstairs. As he walked by Virgil's room he knocked on the door just in case. Again no answer.

Jeff headed downstairs and found Brains and Kryano sitting in the den chatting.

"He-he -l -l -llo Mr. Tracy," Brains said as Jeff came downstairs.

"Hello, Brains, Kyrano. Have either of you seen the boys lately."

"I be-be-believe they we-we-we have gone outside."

"Okay, thanks," Jeff replied and headed for the front door. As soon as he stepped out the front door he saw Virgil and Gordon down by the diving pool. They were sitting on the edge, feet dangling in the water. Jeff headed toward the steps that headed down to pool level.

"How are we going to get it to him?" Jeff heard Gordon ask as he stepped off the last step and onto the level of the patio that had the diving pool.

"Maybe Dad will let us take it up," Virgil suggested. Neither was aware that their father had joined them.

"I'm sure not asking. With everything that's going on here lately Dad hasn't been in such the greatest of moods. He yelled at me for playing a trick on Tin-tin yesterday. Usually all I get is a look from him if anything."

"Things haven't exactly been normal around here. Everyone is stressed and just a little tense."

"I know. I was just trying to lighten things up a little. Heaven knows this place needs it."

"You're right Gordon, we've all been a little on edge lately," Jeff said letting his sons know that he was there. " Mind if I join you."

"No not at all," Virgil said, moving a box that was next to him and scooting over to make room between him and his brother for their father.

"Sorry Dad," Gordon said softly looking out at the pool, embarrassed that his father had heard what he had told Virgil.

"Don't worry about it," Jeff told him as he sat down. "I shouldn't have yelled at you especially not since Tin-tin had done her own share of provoking. I've just been a little stressed out lately and have had a lot on my mind." Jeff told him. "So what is it that Gordon is so afraid to ask me?" Jeff said looking from Gordon to Virgil and then back at Gordon again.

Gordon looked around his father at Virgil, still hoping that Virgil would bring it up. Gordon usually wasn't hesitant to talk to his father about anything but he was still a little cautious after the day before. All he had done was gotten Tin-tin with silly string as she had walked out the front door and that was after she had placed a fake snake underneath his towel while he was in the swimming pool.

"Well remember last week when I asked you if it was okay if I kept the poems of mom's that we had found up in the attic?" Virgil said seeing that his brother didn't want to speak up.

"Yeah," Jeff said wondering what his son was getting at. He hadn't really thought much of Virgil's request. He had just figured Virgil wanted them as a remembrance of his mother. He had completely forgotten about them until he and Alan had found them when they were getting the pictures out of the attic weeks ago.

"Well this is why I wanted them," Virgil said taking the lid off of the box that was sitting next to him. Virgil took a homebound book out of it and handed it too their father.

Jeff took the book from Virgil and looked down at it. "The Poem's of Megan Elizabeth Tracy" was written on the front. Jeff recognized the neat, precise, handwriting as Gordon's. Jeff opened the book and started glancing through it. Some poems had been put into the book exactly as found. Others had been rewritten, again by Gordon, and Virgil had added drawings to those. One in particular that jumped out at Jeff was a pencil portrait of the all five of the boys. Jeff looked at the poem and saw that it was the poem that Meg had written about the boys not long after Alan had been born. He had come back from the nursery to visit with his wife and had found her working on it. She had read it too him when she had finished, making minor changes as she read it out loud and decided she didn't like something.

Writing poetry had been one of Meg's gifts and something that she enjoyed immensely. It was also another thing that John shared with his mother. His second eldest son had started writing poems at a young age. John had never been as open with his poetry as Meg had been though. Where Meg had gladly shared them with everyone in the family, John tending to keep his poems to himself. Jeff had seen a few, and he knew John let Virgil read some but that was it. Especially after one of his classmates had gotten a hold of one, photocopied it, and started handing them out to everyone. Virgil had gotten a hold of one and tracked down the source of them before the guy had passed out all of them but the damage had been done. John's classmates had teased him for the rest of the semester, having apparently forgotten about it after the holiday break.

"This is amazing, boys," Jeff said in awe, still flipping through the pages.

"We put it together for John for his birthday," Virgil told him. "I know he has a few of Mom's poems already, some of which I did manage to get a hold of to add to the book, but I thought it would be neat to have them all together."

"I think he'll love it," Jeff told them handing the book back to Virgil, silently scolding himself for forgetting about John's birthday. With all that had been going on lately it had slipped his mind. He was thankful that not everyone had forgotten.

"Gordon and I were just trying to figure out a way to get it to him. Seeing as his birthday is tomorrow we were thinking maybe you'd let us go up either tonight or tomorrow?" Virgil said, his eyes showing how much he wanted to see his brother and do something to make the day special.

Jeff glanced from Virgil to Gordon. Gordon's face was a mirror of Virgil's.

Usually, if someone's birthday fell during their rotation on Thunderbird 5 there were preparations made before hand and a supply run was made either the day before or the day of the birthday. With all the personnel changes the last month aboard Thunderbird 5, supplies on the station were well stocked. Taking Thunderbird 3 up for a social call was a little impractical but giving the circumstances Jeff would have let his sons do so in a heartbeat if he had to.

"Actually, that's part of the reason I came to find one of you guys. I'm going to head up there and get Scott today."

"Not exactly the best timing is it?" Gordon asked without thinking. "Sorry," he said when he realized what he had just said.

Jeff had to agree with his son though. If he had been thinking straight and hadn't forgotten John's birthday he probably would have told Scott that they would be fine down here for a few more days. But he hadn't and Jeff knew he couldn't change the plans now.

"It's okay," Jeff told him placing a hand on Gordon's shoulder. "To tell you the truth, John's birthday had slipped my mind," he admitted. He wondered if Scott had realized what tomorrow was. "But we'll have to make the best of it. I'll have to see if maybe Onaha can make a cake for us to take up with us. We can all celebrate on the station tonight."

Virgil and Gordon both nodded not seeming at all excited. Both were thinking about their brother being alone on Thunderbird 5 alone for the first time after his suicide attempt being on his birthday.

"Come on you two," Jeff said placing a hand on each of their shoulders. "We have a impromptu party to plan," he told them trying to get them at least a little excited about it.

The three of them stood up and headed for the house together.


	18. Alone again

AN: Thanks to ladc, moonlightbear, I-like-chickens, Marblez, and darkhelmeti for there wonderful reviews. This may be the last chapter. I'm trying to decide wheather to leave it as it is as I kind of like the end of this chapter as the ending or to write one more story as I had a different ending in mind. Feel free to let me know what you think as I ponder the issue. Meanwhile enjoy this chapter.

* * *

John Tracy stood alone on Thunderbird 5. The soft sounds of the air recycling system and the sounds of the computers working the only sounds. He was alone again. Something that had never before bothered him. Now, somehow, the station seemed emptier.

John made his way to one of the view ports that and looked out. He watched as Thunderbird 3 undocked from the station. Within minutes, the red rocket had disengaged and started down toward earth and soon was out of sight. It was just him and the stars again.

"_John, maybe this isn't such a good idea," Scott had said to him as his dad and brothers had prepared to leave the station. The others had been finishing up the cleaning._

"_Scott, you're needed down there. Dad, Virgil, and Gordon are running themselves ragged trying to do everything."_

"_I know they need me but I can't help but wonder if maybe you need me more," Scott told him looking into his brothers eyes. _

_John looked back at his brother. He knew avoiding Scott's gaze would show the doubt he felt inside. John just prayed that the doubt didn't show in his eyes. He had to do this for his family. He had already put them through enough._

"_I'll be fine, Scott," John told him. He had loss count of how many times he had repeated those words in the last couple of hours, first to Virgil, then his dad. Gordon hadn't said anything about it but John had been able to read the question on his face. _

"_I wasn't really thinking this morning," Scott continued, "I wouldn't have even suggested it."_

"_Why because of my birthday?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_This won't be the first birthday I spent up here alone."_

"_I know. I just think this year is different."_

"_Scott I just want everything to go back to how it use to be. I just want you all to start trusting me again."_

"_John, its not that we don't trust you," Scott said surprise in his voice. "It's never been about that."_

"_That's what it feels like at times though," John told him unable to meet Scott's gaze anymore._

"_We're all just worried about you," Scott told him._

"_I hate to interrupt," came their father's voice as he came out of the kitchen area of the space station. Gordon and Virgil were right behind him. "But we need to get going. It's getting late."_

"_Thanks for the impromptu birthday party," John told them thankful to be able to put and end to the uncomfortable conversation he and Scott had been having._

"_Anytime," Jeff replied with a slight smile, still regretful that he had forgotten about his son's twenty-third birthday. "If you need anything just call," Jeff said as he hugged John. _

"_I will," John told him._

_Good-bye said, Jeff headed toward the docking arm that led to Thunderbird 3. Scott gave his brother a quick hug and followed him, knowing his earlier conversation with John had come to and end._

"_Keep in touch," Gordon said to him as he walked toward the docking arm. As he got close to John he paused in front of him unsure of what to do. Part of him wanted to hug him and the other part wasn't sure if that would be the right thing to do. He could tell that everyone's concern about John being up here alone was getting to his brother. He didn't want to add to that. _

_John could see the conflicting emotions on his brothers face. Of all his family members, Gordon seemed to be having the most trouble dealing with everything that had happened. John could see that he was still uneasy around him. Still walking on "egg shells" around him, not wanting to upset him._

_John wasn't sure what to do about it. He had talked to Gordon a couple of times but it hadn't seemed to help. John wondered if things would ever be right between him and Gordon again or if there would always be this feeling of awkwardness between them._

"_I will," John told him as Gordon started walking again toward the docking arm._

"_I'll keep an eye on him," John heard Virgil say. He felt Virgil's hand come to rest reassuringly on his upper arm._

John turned away from the viewport. His gaze fell on the book that Virgil and Gordon had made for him. He walked toward the bed, sat down and picked the book up. Sitting it in his lap he started to flip through it again.

When he had opened it, he hadn't been able to find the words to thank his two brothers. Couldn't put into words just how much their gift had meant to him.

As he got to the middle of the book he found an envelope in between the pages. Curious, John picked the envelope up and sat the book aside. Opening the envelope he took out a piece of paper and unfolded it. By the handwriting, he knew instantly that it had been written by Gordon without needing to see the name at the bottom.

_John,_

_Maybe this isn't the best time to do this, but I'm going to do it before I chicken out_

_and decide not to go through with this. _

_I remember your words the night of your outburst and you're right - you did scare_

_me. You scared me because you've always been the rock of this family. When any_

_thing went wrong, you were the one who helped us through it. The one we could_

_all turn to. After mom died it was always you trying to break up fights and settle _

_arguments. I lost count of how many cuts and scrapes you cleaned and bandaged for me,_

_and the number of times you ran interference for me with Dad because of one of my_

_pranks_ _even when you were the one I pulled the prank on._

_This time though you were the one who needed us and I know I didn't do a very _

_good job at helping you through all this. I guess I just didn't know what to do. How to_

_help you and I was afraid of doing something to make things worse rather than better. _

_For that, I'm sorry. _

_I still don't know what to do. I don't know what I can say to make things better or _

_what I can do to help you through this. I know you've talked things through with the_

_others and I can't even seem to do that._

_Mostly I just want you to know that I love you. That I'm not mad at you. I may not _

_understand what you're going through but I know that you would never want to hurt_

_any of us. I just wish that we could have been there for you the same way you've always_

_been there for us all these years._

_You're our anchor. Nothing you could do could ever tear this family apart._

_-Gordon_

John folded the letter back up as he tried to blink away the tears in his eyes. He folded the piece of paper back up and placed it back in the envelope. Then he put the envelope back into the book. He knew he had to have a talk with Gordon but it was going to have to wait. This was one talk that he wanted to have face to face and not over the radio.

* * *

Jeff Tracy turned and looked at the clock. Ten o'clock.

He had laid down an hour ago, but couldn't seem to fall asleep. He kept asking himself if he had done the right thing. Part of him wanted to go to his office and put a call into the station. At the same time he didn't want John thinking that he didn't trust him.

In frustration, Jeff threw back the covers. He would go to his office for a little while. There were things he could get done and if John happened to call he would be right there.

As he approached the office he heard voices coming from inside.

"Just how did you get the couch anyways?" came Scott's question. He sounded just a little frustrated.

"I was here first," came Virgil's sleepy reply.

Curious, Jeff kept walking the door opening up for him at his approach. The lights came on in the office as he walked through the door. Mildly surprised, he found that his three sons had decided to camp out in his office. Virgil was sprawled out on the couch while Gordon and Scott both had sleeping bags on the floor.

"Hi Dad," Scott said shielding his eyes with his hands, as they had gotten accustomed to the light.

"What are you boys up to?" Jeff couldn't help but ask.

"Well, I figured I'd sleep in here tonight just in case John decided to call. Gordon and Scott ended up getting the same idea so we all decided to stay," Virgil told him.

Jeff shook his head. Sometimes his five boys drove him crazy with all the bickering, fighting, and teasing that went on between them. And then other times, like right now, he couldn't be prouder of them. Despite there differences and disagreements, they were always there for each other when it counted.

"Well enjoy your slumber party," Jeff told them as he turned to head back to his room. He was suddenly very tired. Knowing Virgil, Scott, and Gordon would be there if John called had eased his worries.

"Girls have slumber parties," Gordon said indignantly.

"Then you should feel right at home," Jeff heard Virgil remark. As the door closed behind him he heard the soft thump of a pillow hitting the wall. Jeff shook his head again. Seemed as if some things would never change.


	19. Gordon

AN: Well no one said no don't write another chapter and the more I thought about it the more I wanted to deal with the issues between John and Gordon a little bit more. Cytmose, it was kind of scary that you suggested what I had planned on doing with another chapter if I wrote one. I hope the story seems more complete for you now. Thanks to all of you who have read this story, despite the author going on vacation, and a special thanks to those who took the time to review. Every review is much appreciated.

AN2: Okay Virgil is no longer in two places at one time. I forgot that I had left him up there on the station! Thanks ladc for pointing that out.

* * *

Four weeks later: 

"Well, I think that's about it," John said to Virgil as the two stood in the control room of Thunderbird 5. John did a quick scan of the computers one more time, trying to think if had forgotten to tell Virgil anything.

"I hope so," Virgil said lightly a huge smile on his face. "If I was actually taking notes, I would have a short novel," Virgil told him.

"Am I that bad?" John asked him as he looked from the computers to his brother. Virgil's eyes were dancing with merriment. John could tell Virgil was enjoying giving him a hard time.

"Yes," Virgil told him. "Any time any of us come up here to take over Thunderbird 5 for us we get a novel of things that have happened, things to keep an eye on, and any scheduled maintenance that we may have to do. It's kind of like your leaving us in charge of your kid," Virgil joked.

In a way, that was exactly it. Virgil felt the same way about Thunderbird 2 and Scott was actually even worse about Thunderbird 1. He still wanted to repaint the blue rocket one time when Scott was manning Thunderbird 5 just to see his brother's reaction.

"It's just the way you are John. Your thorough. It's nice to have things back to usual," Virgil continued his voice growing serious.

"If John's done with his sixty page report we could use some help unloading these supplies," Scott called out as he headed back into Thunderbird 3.

"Am I that predictable?"

"Face it John, we can read you like a book," Virgil told him, his hand coming to rest on John's shoulder. "Should we help them out?" Virgil said nodding toward the docking arm.

"Yeah, I guess we should," John replied. "If I did forget something I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out."

The two of them headed for the docking arm themselves, passing Scott and their father who were on their way back out with more supplies.

"So where's Gordon anyways?" John asked Virgil as they entered the cargo bay of Thunderbird 3.

"Believe it or not, he said he didn't feel like coming up," Virgil replied. "Can you believe it? He passed up the chance to fly his 'bird'. I asked him if he was feeling okay and he said he was but something isn't right."

Virgil picked up one of the boxes and passed it off to John and then grabbed a second box for himself.

"I think I might know why he wasn't interested in coming up here," John said as they made their way back off of the red space ship. He was thinking about Gordon's letter. He hadn't made any mention of finding it to anyone but Gordon probably assumed that he had read it by now. John was thinking that maybe his brother wasn't ready to face him yet.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"No," John told him. "If its what I think it is, then its between me and Gordon. I'll talk to him when we get back."

"Fair enough. Just remember if you need to talk I'm always willing to listen."

"I know," John told him.

Fifteen minutes later, all the supplies were off of Thunderbird 3 and in the cargo bay of Thunderbird 5. Virgil said good-bye to his brothers and father as they boarded the red rocket ship. As the airlock door closed behind them, Virgil turned and headed to the front of the control deck, to watch Thunderbird 3's departure from the space station.

On board Thunderbird 3, Scott and John were sitting in the two front seats going through undocking procedures. Jeff Tracy sat in the middle seat, watching. Letting his sons do the actual piloting but ready to speak up should the need arise, though he doubted that it would. He had trained his sons well, and they were more than capable of handling this flight on their own. Should they choose to do so, he had no doubt that his sons would be able to carry on with International Rescue even when he retired, though he had no intentions of doing so any time soon.

John finished putting his stuff away in his room, and headed for the door. He hadn't seen Gordon since he arrived on the island a few hours ago. After looking around for awhile, he had decided to take a break and get settled in. Now it was time to resume the search.

Pausing in front of Gordon's door, John knocked hoping maybe his brother had come up to his room while he had been unpacking. He waited a few moments but got no answer.

John headed downstairs, still looking for Gordon. He came across Scott in the family room, his laptop computer open in front of him.Walking into the kitchen, he found Onaha preparing dinner. He stopped and chatted with her for a few minutes before heading outside.

Walking out onto the patio, he saw his Dad talking with Kryano.

"Hey John," his father called out.

"Hi Dad," John replied walking in their direction. "Have either of you seen Gordon."

"You still haven't found him?" his Dad asked.

"Not yet."

"I saw him heading down toward the dock about a half hour ago," Kryano told him.

"I guess I'll try down there then," John said.

John headed to the steps leading down to the dock, leaving his father and Kryano to go back to there conversation. John walked down the steps, hoping that his brother was down on the dock or somewhere nearby. He was starting to think that maybe he should have said something to Gordon before this but talking about this over the radio had just seemed so impersonal.

Stepping onto the paved walkway that cut across the beach to the dock, John glanced around. As he looked toward the dock, he saw a figure sitting out on the end of the dock. From this distance he wasn't sure who it was but he figured he might as well take a closer look.

As he stepped onto the dock, John was able to see that it was indeed Gordon on the end. He started walking down the dock, trying to figure out exactly what he would say to his brother. Even after a month of thinking about it he still hadn't come up with anything that sounded right.

At the sound of footsteps, Gordon glanced up and looked down the dock. He sighed when he saw that it was John. He had been spending the afternoon trying to avoid his brother, not exactly eager to find out if John was mad at him or not. Gordon had convinced himself that John was mad and that was why he hadn't mentioned anything about the letter.

Gordon quickly looked back out across the ocean. The thought of jumping in and swimming away crossed his mind. He figured that might be a little too obvious.

"I finally found you," John said as he sat down next to his brother. "You know you don't realize how big this island is until you try finding someone who is trying to hide from you."

"I wasn't trying to hide from you," Gordon said. The words didn't even sound very convincing to himself.

"Yeah right. You passed up an opportunity to fly Thunderbird 3 and this is the first time its taken me four hours to actually find someone after I return. Even Brains came out of his lab to welcome me back."

"I didn't think you would want to see me," Gordon said softly.

"Why?"

"I just figured you were mad at me. I figured that was why you never mentioned the letter I left for you in the book Virgil and I gave you," Gordon told him still not moving his gaze from the ocean.

"Gordon look at me," John told his brother. He waited until Gordon finally looked away from the water below and over at him. "Do I look mad to you?"

"No, but why didn't you say anything about the letter?" Gordon paused momentarily. "You did find the letter didn't you?" Gordon then asked feeling a little foolish.

"Yeah, I found it and I guess I probably should have at least told you that much but I wanted to talk to you face to face. Not over the radio," John told him. He saw Gordon nod in understanding as he glanced back out across the water, once again unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry I had you thinking I was mad at you because that isn't even close. I'm just worried about you Gordon because I don't think your dealing with all of this very well and I know what can happen when you try to avoid something. When you don't deal with it. It tears you up inside. I don't want to see that happen to you. I don't want to be the cause of that. I've already put you all through too much."

John paused waiting to see if his brother would say anything. Gordon didn't move though. Nor did he say anything.

"Gordon, I know the two of us have never been really close but we've always been able to talk. I don't like this awkwardness that has come between us and I know that its my fault but I can't fix it by myself. We've got to talk about this. Work things out. I want things to go back to being like they were before this happened but I know that isn't going to happen. I know that some things are always going to be a little different. That doesn't mean you need to tip toe around me though."

"It's just that I don't know what to say or do around you," Gordon said finally opening up a little. "I don't want to say or do anything that might cause you any more pain but I don't know what that is. I mean, Dad and the others are all showing there concern and I can see that you get frustrated with that. Not talking to you at all doesn't feel right either, nor does acting like it never happened."

"Gordon, just be yourself around me. Don't worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. After all it never stopped you before," John told him trying to lighten the mood a little bit.

The comment had the desired effect as Gordon smiled. He did have a knack for bad timing, especially when he was up to one of his pranks.

Suddenly, he had a desire to talk about what he was feeling inside. Virgil had tried to get him to talk quite a few times over the past couple of months, as had Dad, but he had always put them off. He didn't want them to think he was a rotten person. Didn't want to admit to them that he felt somewhat responsible for everything that had happened. Now, he just wanted to get it out in the open.

"I'm sorry John."

"For what?"John asked, confused by his brothers apology.

"For not being there like you've always been there for me. For the longest time, I always had the feeling that you wanted to talk about Mom but it always seemed like a taboo subject in the family. Scott told us not to bring it up around you and I listened to him despite my own instincts. Despite my own need to want to talk about her. Talk about what happened."

"Gordon you can't blame yourself for that. I know you were all just trying to do what you thought was best."

"I just figured Scott knew best."

"As much as he likes to think he's perfect, he isn't. Scott doesn't always have the right answer but then neither do I or Dad. Nobody does. We just all have to try and do our best."

The two brothers were silent for a few moments. Both thinking about what had been just been said. Both trying to figure out what to say next.

"You know in your letter you wrote that you didn't know what to say to me or what to do to make things better yet the first thing you did that morning after you found out what I did was the best thing you could have done."

"All I did was give you hug," Gordon said incredulously unable to believe that the simple gesture had been adequate. Hugs weren't uncommon in their family. They never had been.

"Yeah, but it showed me that despite what I had done that you still loved me. We all deal with things in our own way and sometimes how we deal with it might not be the best way of dealing with it. We do what we can. You can't blame yourself for not knowing how to deal with something that you have no experience with."

Gordon listened to his brother's words. As they started sinking in he couldn't help but let out a little laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Everything that has happened lately, and you're still going around helping everyone else. We should be helping you not the other way around."

"You all have helped me. If I didn't have all of you, I don't know how I would have gotten through these last couple of months."

"I'm glad we had this talk," Gordon said looking over at his brother and then giving him a hug.

"So am I," John replied returning his brother's hug.

"If I wanted to talk some more, would it be okay?" Gordon asked the question mirrored in his eyes.

"Anytime," John told him.

"John, Gordon, dinner is ready," came their father's shout. Both boys looked toward the shore to see Jeff standing on the other end of the dock, not wanting to intrude on his sons' conversation.

"Race you," John said looking at Gordon.

"You're on," Gordon replied as the two of them stood up.

"Ready, set . . ." he started running down the dock and called the final command over his shoulder.

"Hey, no fair!" Gordon exclaimed as he started after his brother.

Despite the head start, John still reached the end of the dock a couple of strides behind Gordon, completely out of breath. Four weeks in space hadn't exactly done much for his stamina.

"See it was fair," John said in between gasps for air. "I needed the head start just to stay with you."

"Next time I'm starting the race," Gordon told him breathing heavily but not out of breath.

"Next time, I plan on being back on Earth for more than four hours," John replied.

"What am I going to do with you two," Jeff said lightly putting an arm around Gordon's shoulders. "If you think you can make it to the house, let's go eat," he said looking at John.

"Yeah, I think I can make it," John said his breathing more under control.

Jeff put an arm around John's shoulders and the three of them headed toward the house together.


End file.
